The Extreme Makeover team was moved to tears when they saw that local fraternity, Sigma Epsilon Chi, was living in a complete dump. The 6,000 square foot brick house was riddled with garbage (predominantly cans of keystone light), broken stuff, damaged hardwoods, molding in dire need of touch-ups and mismatched furniture. Don’t even get them started on the kitchen. The team was moved by the heartfelt video they received from the brothers of Sigma Epsilon Chi.
“How can they live like this?” exclaimed Ty Pennington in his annoying voice with a stray tear running down his objectively annoying face. “I mean, like 20 guys and one house? This house?! I just can’t believe they have been able to do all of these philanthropy events for the community. It just really puts things into perspective.”
No one could turn a blind eye to this group; something needed to be done. What really sealed the deal was when they heard the story about an individual brother, Chad W., who got a bad case of pubic lice and herpes at a date function last year.
“That was what really got us,” said decorator Michael Moloney. “These guys need a functional space where they can continue to serve this community. As for Chad? Wow. What a strong guy.”
Extreme Makeover’s crew rolled up to the house at 10:00 a.m. Saturday. Ty whipped out his megaphone and yelled, “Good morning Sigma Epsilon Chi brothers!” Nothing happened.
“Sigma Epsilon Chi! Good morning!” Still with no reaction, the team went to the door.
After Ty knocked like the overly energetic crack addict he is, the door slowly opened.
“Yooo,” said a squinting brother, Rex D., in boxers fully torqued and evidently hung-over.
“Good morning Sigma Epsilon Chi!” screamed Ty into the megaphone like a banshee. After a couple groans, the brothers began to convene down in the living area. Advil, water and Cheetos were passed around the room, and the team interviewed the brothers to see what they wanted out of this makeover.
Various brothers chimed in, and soon the team had a list of things they could work with: huge speakers, strobe lights, two-bar areas, a sick dance floor, and brand new pong tables. The meeting concluded when Ty surprised the team with a vacation.
“So, we really want this to be a surprise and we know you guys probably haven’t been able to go on a lot of vacations together,” he said (as if they don’t spend every spring break blasted in Cancun). “So, we got you guys a week long stay IN WEST VIRGINIA to attend sketchy strip clubs!”
After a long, disastrous demolition that somehow was conveyed to viewers as being environmentally friendly, the team kicked it into high gear decorating the house. Lots of volunteers came to help out, to whom much of the work was outsourced. Every now and then the Extreme Makeover team would pretend to work in front of the camera, as they read off of a teleprompter what specifically they were working on.
The reveal day was finally here; the brothers arrived at the scene blindfolded in a charter bus. After being lined up behind that same charter bus, the young men were instructed to remove the blindfolds and request the bus move in order to reveal their new house. “MOVE! THAT! BUS!” screamed the brothers. As the bus slowly moved, the audience caught a glimpse of the house. That is, after a poorly timed commercial break. The camera panned to the brothers who were screaming and slapping five with each other while yelling expletives.
The house was outfitted with brand new furniture from Restoration Hardware, a kitchen full of General Electric energy efficient appliances (the fridge filled with keystone) and a basement with the dopest dance floor ever. Neon lights everywhere, 10-foot speakers and a huge area for grinding and sloppy makeouts. Right next-door was a room with 10 brand new regulation-sized beer pong tables. “Dude this is so tight!” yelped a gleeful Rex.
Finally, the team led Chad to his own personal space. The French doors opened and Chad immediately broke down. The room was outfitted with everything he could ever need. Massage tables, wax-kits, a medicine cabinet with a lifetime supply of Valtrex, a dong-itcher and a cork board full of pictures of him and his friends.
“I’m speechless. This is so nice,” said Chad, clearly in shock. The raw emotion was unparalleled, as Ty began to bawl like a baby. After a huge thank-you from the brothers and a massive pong tournament, it was time for Extreme Makeover to leave.
On the way home Ty got another D.U.I. And the house? Yeah it’s already a huge mess again. The parties have been pretty lit ever since, though.
Dylan Bedsaul is a Humor writer.
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