Thanks to my mother nurturing my healthy self-esteem you can catch me jerking it to my own image in the H&M fitting room mirrors on any given day. But we’re not all lucky enough to have mothers who forgot to instill hang ups as well as once forgetting to pick us up from ballet.
If you have a poor body image, masturbating can help you see yourself as an item of functionality rather than aestheticism. Yeah your body has weirdly proportioned shoulders but it also gave you an orgasm. It’s give and take in the self-love game.
Don’t worry about being difficult to love. If you are easy to love then you will be loved by people who love people who are easy to love. Do you know what type of person this is? Probably the same type of person who says they hate Kim Kardashian. Really Timothy? Why? Because she’s fake? So who do you like? Someone "relatable?" "Down-To-Earth?" Please tell me what celebrity you like because her publicist helped her craft an image that seems real and attainable to a little urchin like you.
By the way, did I ask? Why do you keep sharing your opinion with me? I never asked. I never wondered if you like girls who don’t wear a lot of makeup. No, I KNOW it’s just your opinion but what you don’t know is that you have wasted my time with your opinion. I could have been thinking about anything else. I could have been thinking about getting eaten out IN SPACE.
Get out of my self-love article. I bet you also say love is nothing more than a chemical reaction. Obviously, Timothy, everything you feel is a chemical reaction. The pain you feel when I beat you for your arrogance will be a chemical reaction. Why don’t you go read up on how the separation of mind and body is a fallacy and stop feeling superior for not watching reality television, TIMOTHY.
Please don’t try to be loved by the Timothys of this world. Love yourself so much that the Timothys hate you for it, so much that when you challenge each of them to a fight they all accept. Then on the given date and time, the confused Timothys show up and all fight to the death in a pit, while you watch from a balcony with opera binoculars.
Like yourself because I like you, that is, I like you if “you” are the intended audience, an audience that consists of the three friends whom I haven’t talked to in a long while but I still think about when I listen to the more melancholy of Weezer’s songs. Hey, honey. I miss you terribly sometimes but that’s something I’ll have to deal with for a while. I sent you a picture of a weird plant I saw but it’s not enough. If you’re not in this category, I don’t know, I don’t want to baloney-talk you like those post-its some round handwriting girl leaves on the bathroom mirror. “You look beautiful!” There’s no way for you to know that! If you’re talking about inner beauty I could be petty or smarmy or say phrases like “we don’t know all the facts” when the cops kill someone! Speaking of which, do you know who spoke out about Sandra Bland’s murder? My! Girl! Kim! K!
Don’t you want to be with someone with a strong enough core to hang out with a beautiful pesky goblin that won’t stop talking about Kim Kardashian and still find a feeling in their heart that is pure and good? Find your Kim Kardashian and be with my mom.
Remember, the goal isn’t for someone to marry you. The goal is for someone to wake up 20 years from now in a cold sweat and say, “I should have married CHARLOTTE.” Sorry sucker, now your wife wants to see an outdoor Shakespeare production, meanwhile I’m vomiting ayahuasca with my lover Pangea. Better yet, have someone wake up and say “Wow, good thing I didn’t marry Charlotte. Honey, I’m so glad you didn’t drag me into a downward spiral toward an untimely death in a South American blood cult. Did you read the NPR article on blood cults? Really sobering.”
Charlotte Raskovich is a Humor editor for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at c.raskovich@cavalierdaily.com.
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