1. Tablers on the Lawn:
Sure, the leaves look great, the sun is shining, and go Hoos, but we all know there’s very little chance that you were actually taking in the foliage on your way to class. Odds are, you were run-walking to your class in Cabell, still trying to wake up from the “just ten minute” nap you definitely overslept. Forsaking your own composure and timeliness, you’re probably snapchatting all of your friends in the process. Let’s hope you didn’t accidentally sign yourself up for a 5K on the way.
2. The line at Roots:
Here’s the scene: you’re really hungry, and you know you should probably eat something healthy after a weekend of imbibing. Your heart is saying Bodo’s, but your mind is saying go to Roots, pretend to branch out, order the El Jefe anyway. Unfortunately, you’re one of a million with that idea. Common thoughts that occur while waiting for your salad: should I just get a pint of ice cream from Corner Grocery because I’m here anyway? How can one person actually eat an entire bag of spinach from Kroger before it goes bad? How can I stay in this line and not be in the way of everyone trying to walk to Mellow?
3. The line at Trinity:
Maybe you’re one of those people who utilizes the “instant” part of Instagram and posts a topical picture of you and 2-5 friends, only ¼ of whom look good, right when it happens. Throwing “number of likes” caution into the wind and hoping people are on their phones at the bar as much as you are, you’re acting as a true social media deviant. Odds are you spent the last thirty minutes furiously editing said picture, much to the dismay of those behind you in line at Trinity who wished you’d just move up already. Here’s to hoping you get as many likes as the age on the driver’s license you showed the bouncer.
4. The line at Dumplings:
I mean this twofold: there’s the natural progression of my article, in which the average student seeks a temporary fix (greasy food) to a more permanent problem (an impending hangover) after successfully navigating down the Trinity staircase. Instagram your pain, your struggle, and your hanger in the face of Marco and Luca adversity: maybe they’ll even give you an extra dumpling or six. Then there’s the other dumpling line: the one that wraps around to Maury Hall, the one you can’t believe people are actually waiting on in some sort of extreme weather. Enjoy those plus dollar prizes while you can: if you can survive that line, you deserve a prize. Slap a Valencia filter on that.
5. Your ceiling:
It’s there when you wake up in the morning, it’s there when you go to sleep at night, it’s there when you’re procrastinating doing your homework and it’s there when you’ve been on the phone with your mother for four hours and you can’t believe she’s actually still speaking. Like a road well traveled or a constellation in the night sky, one’s ceiling has a most familiar pattern that makes you feel at home. Considering my eyes spend quite a lot of time up there as I roll them at least twice a minute, maybe this special relationship between man and inanimate object deserves to be shared with your social media world.
6. Facebook:
How often do we find ourselves scrolling through Facebook on our phones, only to put our phones down under the guise of productivity and open Facebook again on our computers? Minutes later, you’re four years deep into the profile of the boy you don’t know who’s sitting across the table from you in Clemons. You found out his name because he wrote it in Sharpie on his COMM 1800 notebook, and he’s found you out because you just accidentally liked a picture from his junior prom. I urge you to Instagram a picture of his absolute horror.
7. Something burnt:
Trust me: I probably don’t know you, but I do know that if you have cooked, baked, sautéed or reheated something of worth, we would’ve already seen the Instagram. Heavily filtered and probably cold by the time you actually got around to eating it, college cooking is an uphill battle and I don’t blame you for wanting to showcase your success on a more national level than your kitchen. Unfortunately, the sad truth is that most of us lack the time, effort, and money to get more gourmet than the pre-made salads at Trader Joe’s. When life gives you lemons, here’s to hoping you actually own a knife sharp enough to cut them.
8. A screenshot of a text conversation:
So you and Person A met last weekend. You have a date function coming up, and think it might be fun to bring this person. First, you have to make sure with at least seven of your friends that this isn’t a bad idea. Second, you must draft the perfect text that exudes the obvious “I’m fun but really not looking for anything or being clingy but also you’re cool please respond” vibe that must be edited and spell-checked by two higher ups. Step three is screenshotting his response and sending it to all seven of the initial friends who okay’d this decision, because “Sure, sounds fun!” could be interpreted in way too many different ways.
9. Your laundry basket:
Right now, my laundry is judging me. My leggings keep yelling “no, you can’t wear me for the tenth day in a row” and I can hear my mother telling me from Connecticut that perfume doesn’t double as detergent. Sure, there’s a laundry machine no more than fifty feet away from me, but I could also drive to Fashion Square and buy new underwear. A great Instagram would be your shrunken blouse after you loosely interpreted “dry clean only” as “machine wash cold-ish.”
10. A “meeting”:
As Adele recently sang, “Hello from the other side…” To this I add: hello from the other side of my phone, the same phone from which I emailed you telling you I couldn’t attend [blank] because I have another [blank] meeting to be at. Good thing you can’t see me on the other side, as in reality, I’m lying in bed staring at my ceiling contemplating if the length of my arms will allow me to reach the cereal box on the floor next to me without me having to get out from under the covers. Instagram your cereal and pretend it was free food from said meeting.
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