There are certain material things that I know I cannot live without: oranges, shaving cream, my camel-colored cashmere sweater and Mr. Bear. While I recognize these things aren't what most people would refer to as necessities, to me they are essential. I have become so attached to them that I'd feel deprived, and a little bit lost, without them.
Perhaps in an effort to make up for some of my more materialistic needs, I always have considered myself rather ascetic when it came to the things that other people place a high value upon.
I prided myself on my ability to write a good letter to be sent via the U.S. Postal Service, to bake from scratch and the cavalier manner in which I could take or leave the telephone.
Happily, I was never that clichéd teenager who spends every free minute on the phone. You know, the girl that calls her best friend the moment she gets home from school, even though they just saw each other 20 minutes before ...
No, I was not like that at all. Proudly, when it came to the telephone, I could take it or leave it.
Until this past week. My proverbial bubble burst when I found myself all of a sudden unable to use my telephone.
The nightmare began a few days ago when I was speaking to my friend Rebecca on the phone. We'd been chatting for about three minutes or so when suddenly she burst out laughing.
"What's wrong with your phone?" she asked when her laughter finally subsided.
"There's nothing wrong with the phone," I told her, "Why are you laughing?"
Rebecca started snickering again, "Something is definitely wrong with your phone. You've got a weird echo, and your voice is really deep."
"Really?" As far as I could tell my telephone was working perfectly.
"Yeah. You sound like Darth Vader."
We hung up shortly thereafter, and I pretty much forgot about the problem. After all, as far as I was concerned my telephone was in perfect working order. Everything the other person said was perfectly audible, and there wasn't any static or anything.
A few hours later my roommate attempted to place a call to her mother.
"Hello," she said when her mom answered. After a brief pause she repeated herself, "Hello." Then panic set in, "Hello ... Mother ... It's Jennifer ... "
Moments later she angrily slammed down the phone. "My mother hung up on me!" she exclaimed. "My own mother hung up on me."
"I'm sure your mother didn't hang up on you," I assured her.
Jen took a deep breath, "She did, in fact, hang up on me, but I don't think that she could hear me. She kept repeating 'hello' over and over until finally she gave up. Is there something wrong with our phone?"
I remembered my conversation with Rebecca. "I guess so. Apparently we sound like Darth Vader, or we can't be heard at all."
"Shouldn't we get that fixed?" she asked.
"I guess so." We both looked at the phone and then back at each other.
"We could probably call tomorrow," I said.
"Yeah, probably they've left the office for the day. Tomorrow is definitely better."
The next day I had a question about a paper I was writing that I needed to run by my friend Claire. I dialed her number and waited for her to pick up.
"Hello," a female voice answered.
"Hi is Claire there," I began.
"Who is this?" she interrupted me.
"Hi Claire? This is Kate." I was confused by her briskness.
"Kate? Is that you? You sound like the guy in 'Scream'."
"What?"
"You know that voice that makes the scary phone calls in the 'Scream' movies. That's what you sound like," Claire told me.
Hanging up a bit later, I resolved to fix my telephone. Using the phone had become too difficult. It was getting to the point where I couldn't make any outgoing phone calls without arousing the suspicions of my friends and family.
I picked up the phone determined to get the problem fixed.
When the receptionist answered the phone, I began courteously, "Hello, I ... "
I was cut off quickly by the woman at the other end of the line, "Who is this?"
"Uh, I was calling ... "
"I will not tolerate obscene phone calls," she declared before hanging up on me.
For a few moments I sat by my phone stunned. I was caught in a vicious cycle, a Catch-22. I needed to get my phone repaired because I sounded like an obscene phone caller, but I couldn't get my telephone fixed because I sounded like an obscene phone caller.
Eventually I was able to use my neighbor's phone to arrange for someone to come out and fix the problem as soon as possible.
As soon as possible is not immediately, so for the time being, my roommate and I have dramatically reduced our phone time so as not to scare our friends. So, should you receive a call from a heavy breather, fear not, it's probably just me.
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