I usually cite "She's All That" as the low point in what otherwise has been a fairly successful reinvention of the intelligent and incisive teen film genre. But as much as it pains me to displace possibly the blandest romantic couple of all time - Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Rachel Leigh Cook - from the bottom of the barrel, that dubious honor now belongs to "Here On Earth," the new romantic drama from first-time director Mark Piznarski.
It's the summer after high school graduation, and the consequences of adolescent hijinks have forced the wealthy Kelley (Chris Klein) to spend the summer in Putnam, a small, shabby town adjacent to his prestigious prep school. Kelley's rich-boy attitude hardly makes him a favorite in the town, but the situation - and the film - goes from bad to worse when Kelley attracts the attention of Samantha (Leelee Sobieski), who is all but betrothed to a childhood sweetheart (Josh Hartnett).
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Poor writing is usually the culprit in a movie this difficult to endure, and sure enough, screenwriter Michael Seitzman provides plenty of plot holes and astonishingly hokey dialogue. The heart of the story is meant to be Samantha and Kelley's growing affection, yet their relationship is distressingly shallow. The script gives Samantha little motivation to fall for Kelley, besides his great abs, which she periodically ogles from inside her house. And while physical attraction between them is believable enough, the relationship never appears more mature than the standard summer fling. Their significant social differences, supposedly the push-pull of their attraction, are never discussed. In fact, they don't discuss much at all. The film is pitched as a story about the purity and validity of teenage love, but Samantha and Kelley's interaction remains exclusively sexual.
The unconvincing romance is not helped by the instability of Kelley's character. The director seems to hope that the audience will overlook Kelley's stock rich-boy attitude, complete with brooding arrogance and off-putting temper, thanks to the revelation of a tragic childhood experience, and the love of a good woman. Instead, the story of his mother's death rings so false, and his relationship with Samantha is so empty that there is nothing to redeem his fundamentally unlikeable character.
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This presents a major problem in terms of the love triangle: It's hard to imagine why Samantha would spurn her boyfriend for the snotty Kelley. Jasper is not the most charismatic of lovers - and he's nowhere near as buff as his rival, Kelley - but at least he's not mean.
Most successful teen films balance frivolous plots with fresh and funny dialogue that gives credit to the adolescent experience. Seitzman's scenes, in contrast, seem lifted straight out of the Saturday morning TNBC line-up. Klein and Sobieski look more embarrassed than enticed by their insipid double entendres about handcuffs and sandwiches. Worse, Kelley's pathetic attempt at seduction - kissing his way up Sam's leg while assigning state names to her various body parts - is so simultaneously sleazy and cheesy that you truly expect Samantha to call him on it. (And she loses any ounce of credibility or appeal when she doesn't.) Sadly enough, this scene is probably the film's most original. The rest of their courtship is marked by lines like, "If you check out my ass when I walk away, your shake will be in your lap."
The trio of teen leads do little to enhance the stale production. Klein and Sobieski, who showed promise in "American Pie" and "Never Been Kissed," respectively, seem to know that their looks are about the only thing going for the film. Klein smolders and flexes at every opportunity, but he falls painfully flat in dramatic moments. Sobieski delivers her lines like she's trying to read cue cards without her contacts, and is consistently upstaged by her cleavage. Together, they are unbearably bland. Their love scenes make Prinze, Jr. and Cook look like Gable and Lombard. Hartnett gives the strongest performance, but that's largely because his tears are at least semi-believable. This is probably a result of practice, as the soggy script demands that he shed them in nearly every scene.
"Here on Earth" probably wouldn't be nearly as painful to endure if it weren't intended as a tragic drama, thanks to an appropriately uninspired plot twist that leads to an excruciatingly insincere conclusion. Perhaps that's the film's biggest mistake. After all, we already know that the original premise of rich boy-poor girl is enough to sustain a film if done with honesty and sensitivity (see "Pretty In Pink" as an example of everything this film isn't). Comedy tends to be more forgiving. Then again, "Here on Earth" - if unintentionally - provided more laughs than I've had in a long time.
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