Congratulations! You have been fortunate enough to stumble upon the first appearance of the Life section's new advice column. No, please, don't thank me. You are more than welcome to read my column and, in fact, we should make a habit of meeting here regularly. Of course, today's circumstances are a bit different. Normally, Ask James would consist of several desperate cries for help followed by stunning advice that undoubtedly will leave readers pleading for more. However, seeing how we have just met, I thought it would be wise to get to know each other before diving head first into the various personal dilemmas that must be addressed. You have been awfully quiet thus far, which leads me to believe that I should introduce myself. Oh, and just so you don't feel short-changed for not getting some sort of Q & A sequence, I'll answer some questions you have so you can get to know me better.
Who are you?
My name is James Duval and I'm an Aquarius. I am a second year in the College, majoring in Psychology and minoring in upsetting everyone in my discussion sections. If you've never tried it before, you'll be amazed at how amusing it is to play devil's advocate purely for self-entertainment. I love good conversation more than anything (yes, anything, so get your mind out of the gutter) and I'm a big believer that it's who you're with and not where you are that matters. I also have two bonsai trees, but I'm no Mr. Miyagi.
Why were you chosen for this position?
Affirmative action. The Life section definitely did not have any other half-French and half-Vietnamese writers, so they had to squeeze me in somewhere.
What makes you qualified?
Good question. On average, I would say that I have a pretty good record when it comes to dealing with people. For example, I live with a fellow that smokes anything and everything in sight and floods the place with retched, foul, stank. Recently, this gem of a housemate said that I was disrespectful for leaving my mail on the table and some dishes in the sink for a few days - yeah, seems fair to me, too. We still exchange glances from time to time whenever we pass each other in the hall, and yes, I consider that a success story.
How do you feel about "outty" belly buttons?
If I can see this protrusion under a normal fitting shirt (tube tops aren't normal), chances are that I'd feel inclined to "Bobbit" it whenever I got the chance. Probably better for all three parties, the other person, the outty, and myself, if we just kept our distance.
Why should I write to you?
I am lonely and I like getting e-mail. Therefore you should consider it your civic duty to do so.
What can I ask you about?
Anything, but remember, not everything can be printed in the paper so keep that in mind. Other than that, serious, humorous, simple or complex, I'll give you my most sincere thoughts.
Would you ever date anyone with back hair?
Let's put it this way, I like giving and receiving back massages and there is something disgusting about having to run my fingers through tufts of hair while doing so. Plus, think of things like lice, or how much extra shampoo and conditioner would be wasted - I don't even want to think about trips to the beach.
Boxers or Briefs?
Boxers, except when playing soccer - ouch!
When can I start asking for advice?
Right Now! Please send all questions to advice@cavalierdaily.com.
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