IT'S ALMOST upon us. Twice a year, in our summer mail-out issue and then once again in the Orientation Issue, The Cavalier Daily Opinion page offers numerous columns providing advice to those naïve first-years who might not yet understand the many traditions and peculiarities of "The University." Included among these are "Eat a Gusburger" or "Don't sign up for 8 a.m. classes." These tidbits of wisdom are provided to make the transition from high school to college all the easier. But, we here at the ol' CD don't provide any reminders or additional advice after students actually get here. We've left the rest of the University community high and dry.
For those who have completed a year or two and are still a little overwhelmed by the challenge of mastering the ins and outs of Jefferson's hallowed institution, summer is an excellent time to plan how you'll catch up on all you haven't figured out yet. So, I offer you this "Useful Advice for Upperclassmen:"
1. Don't talk to strangers.
If you haven't found a clique yet, you're done for. Retreat back to your room in Gooch-Dillard and take up playing Quake. This will prove a good release for your social frustration.
2. Go to a football game sober.
Outside of the haze of bourbon, sundresses and public urination, there's actually a game going on. (But after watching this year's team for a little while, you'll probably need a drink anyway.) As an aside, here's a fun drinking game: Take a shot every time George Welsh calls a running back draw up the middle.
3. Uphold the image!
If a first year asks you, be sure to tell him or her that self-governance works. This is technically a lie, but that's alright because the honor system is a sham as well.
4. Get rid of your meal plan.
Why haven't you done this yet? Your digestive tract will thank you. Besides, isn't it about time you learned how to cook something more sophisticated than Ramen Noodles? I recommend grilled cheese.
5. Join Residence Life or Student Council.
You really should have tried to pad your résumé first year, but it's never too late. If you're pressed for time, just pretend you're doing something for the community. No one will know the difference.
6. Homogenize!
Free will is overrated anyway.
7. Streak GFAP 101.
Everyone has streaked the Lawn. That's so five minutes ago. On the other hand, very few people have gotten to bare all in front of a professor with the academic reputation of Larry J. Sabato. Take advantage of the opportunity: Drop off your application for the Center for Governmental Studies while you're there.
8. You can't succeed, so don't try.
Recent attempts at activism have failed, so you might as well give up altogether. Take up frisbee golf instead.
9. Drink alcohol as much as possible
Since there's a dearth of speakers, concerts, readings, films, plays, lectures, workshops and worthwhile groups at the University, I recommend whiling away the time with vodka, or possibly rum. It certainly takes the edge off.
10. Keep your head up.
Don't let bitterness and disillusionment bring you down. The University is what you make it. Even though you've moved on from McCormick and Alderman, it's not too late. If you don't like the way things are, you've still got time to change them.
By following these helpful tips, you can be a successful member of the University community. And if you haven't yet, go eat a Gusburger. Sure, it's not good for you, but name one University tradition that is.
(Michael Gillespie is the Cavalier Daily Operations Manager.)
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