I'll just come out and say it: The Summer Olympics are boring. Boring like "Antiques Roadshow" on PBS. Boring like a class discussion late on Friday afternoon. Boring like watching modern pentathletes shoot, fence, swim, ride and run to their heart's delight for a full 10 hours.
Here's the proof: Swimming, track and field and gymnastics are all insanely popular every fourth summer, but somehow disappear off the radar screen for the next 206 weeks. Why don't we see blanket coverage of the FINA Open Water Championships or track's Millrose Games or the Aussie Haircare Gymnastics Invitational?
The answer is bad news for NBC, which paid $705 million for TV rights. We watch the Olympics not because they are exciting but because they are captivating in the way a local mayoral race is captivating. We don't tune in for sporting action but for the results and for the little subplots. Like if we whip those Soviets on the medal stand or if Carl Lewis can take home four golds or if Kerri Strug still can walk.
But now the Internet could spell the demise of Olympic coverage as we know it. Yes, you want to hear the inspiring stories and know the medal count, but why watch coverage tape-delayed by 10 hours when you can log on? At least you won't have to sit through hours of watching swimmers adjusting their caps or sprinters pulling at their crotches, waiting for the gun.
But before you throw away your remote and waste your day navigating IBM's labyrinth of an Olympic Web site, take a look at the trio of new cycling events the IOC added to address the declining popularity of the Games, which two years ago at Nagano scored their lowest TV ratings in 30 years. All three make RollerDerby look as traditional as baseball.
In the madison event, a two-man team -- one an endurance cyclist and the other a sprinter - tries to out-duel its competition in a relay race. There's a catch, though. Since only one rider can be in the racing zone at a time, the competitor on the inside of the track has to switch places with his teammate by means of a "handsling." The two racers hold hands on a curve and propel each other to the other side of the track. It sounds a little like ice dancing at 45 miles per hour.
Then there's the Olympic sprint, which, contrary to its namesake, is making its debut in Sydney. Here, in perhaps the most complicated race ever devised, two teams of three compete in a three-lap modified relay. All three team members start the race in a tight paceline. After one lap, the first rider drops out and lets the next teammate lead, who then drops out after a lap. The team with the third member who finishes first wins the race. If you didn't get that, don't worry. You're not the only one.
But the strangest sport of these Games, and possibly the strangest ever, is the keirin. In this eight-lap race, cyclists follow a motorcycle around a sprint track for the first five-and-a-half laps. Once the motorcycle reaches 30 mph, it leaves the track and the racers sprint to the finish. So if it degenerates to a two-and-a-half lap race with a head start, what's the point of the motorcycle? Maybe you should ask the Japanese. They invented the competition in the 1940s.
However, the big question is whether these new events will convince an Olympic cynic like me to keep my TV on Channel 29. Maybe. But only if "Antiques Roadshow" isn't on.
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