The Olympics are going on this week, and you know what that means - mil- lions of people across the world gathered in front of their televisions ignoring the Olympics in eager anticipation of the next edition of "Survivor."
I caught a couple of minutes of the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. From what I gathered, either those ceremonies were written by ex-hippies having LSD flashbacks or I was having an LSD flashback while I was watching it. There were people flying from the rafters, puppeteers who had a tad too much crack before the show, and about a million children of varying ethnicities dressed like butterflies and fish with thyroid conditions.
And most of the Olympic sports are just as unusual as the opening ceremonies. Who invented some of these gymnastics events, such as the pommel horse?
"We'll have this thing that looks a little like a mechanical bull, we'll nail a couple of handles on it, and we'll see what these guys can do with that." We should spice up the event by making the pommel horse move like a mechanical bull.
"Blaine Wilson has begun his routine. Let's see how he handles the bucking back and forth. He looks a bit disoriented. Oh! The pommel horse tossed him five feet into the air and he landed face-first in the parallel bars. But he's got the time to beat with 4.8 seconds."
I can't stand the judging during gymnastics events at the Olympics. It's usually little 14-year-old girls flying between two bars for 45 seconds, doing huge triple back flips and spiral front twists. Then they finally land on the mat at the end, and the announcer always says, "Ohhh, she moved that left toe as she landed! That is going to ruin her score! She has let down her entire nation. Chances are she'll be disowned when she returns home, and her whole community will beat her with saplings and then chase her away into the wilderness! What a pity!" Can't we give these little girls some credit for defying gravity and nearly killing themselves?
What we need to do is allow some average people to compete in the gymnastics so these girls will feel good about themselves. "Well folks, as you just saw, Hasing from China took a half step to the left there, quite possibly ruining China's hopes for a medal.
But next up on the floor exercise, for the USA, Davy from Minnesota. Davy is 42 years old, weighs 275 pounds and up until today thought gymnastics had something to do with the air and space program. Let's see what Davy can come up with. He's started out with a somersault. And another somersault. The judges might look down upon this excessive use of somersaults. Wait, he stood up. Looks like he's preparing for a double two and a half. No, it's another somersault. And to finish up, he's attempting a cartwheel... but it's ill-fated. He came down hard on his head. He just couldn't loft that big stomach high enough into the air. This is not going to help USA's overall score."
I don't like watching men's swimming either because it looks like a white supremacist pool party. But I'm pretty sure most Neo-Nazi skinheads don't know how to swim. And even if they did, I don't think they would wear those skin-tight Speedo bathing suits.
How humiliating is that for those swimmers? You're on television across the entire world, and all you're wearing is tightey whiteys.
I think that's why those guys are swimming so fast. It's because they don't want people to see them. You strap a tiny bathing suit on me and put me on international television, I'd set some world records too. I feel bad for the swimmers. Imagine having to explain to the entire civilized world, "The water was cold. There was shrinkage."
It's insane that these guys shave their entire bodies so they'll go faster. I don't want to be involved in any sport in which my body hair plays a crucial role in the outcome. The announcers are like, "Oh, that's too bad. He would have set a world record, but he forgot to shave his armpits."
My favorite recent development in the Olympics was the U.S. basketball dream teams. There's nothing like taking the best basketball players in the world and putting them up against a third world country to display a good old-fashioned American ass whooping.
It does seem a little unfair though. Kevin Garnet can have three Lithuanians on his shoulders and still put the ball between his legs and dunk it.
I think the U.S. basketball coach has the easiest job. "Alright men, winning by 40 points yesterday was pathetic! I've never seen such a group of pansies in my life! Today I want us up by 60 at the half. And Alonzo, 36 points in yesterday's game? What the hell kind of half-assed effort is that?!"
Well, I suppose track coaches have it pretty easy as well. "This time Marion, I want you to try going faster. The jogging approach just isn't doing it for us. So right when that gun goes off, I want you to think, 'Go fast!'"
The decathlon has always confused me. I can never come up the names of all ten sports that are involved. There's running, hurdles, long jump, javelin, shot put, high jump... um... shimmy up a pole, pie eating contest... maybe log flume... and... catch a greased pig, right? Well, that's what it should be.
Basically, the Olympics needs to make some changes, and I'm going to be the man to initiate them. At the next Olympics if you see a 300-pound man competing in the women's gymnastics, you'll know we're making progress.
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