A movie can be offensive in certain ways. In one sense, "offensive" can mean too much profanity or sex. But "Valentine," the latest in a litany of sub-par teen horror flicks, is offensive in an altogether different way.
"Valentine" is offensive in that, from start to finish, it plays like an act of war on the eyes, ears and minds of unsuspecting moviegoers. The film assumes stupidity, inhumanity and a general lack of common sense on the part of the audience. Scenes are filled with beautiful people in tidy apartments (or, at times, mansions) in the assumption that with such eye candy, viewers will not notice glaring mistakes in plot and character. Well, this viewer is declaring war right back at them and will not stand (or sit) for such things anymore.
"Valentine"'s opening credits depict a flashback to the early, tortured years of one Jeremy Melton, who is turned down and verbally destroyed by every girl at a junior- high dance. One lonely girl finally agrees to dance with him, and later she even makes out with him under the bleachers.
But when they are discovered by a group of boys, she claims that Jeremy has attacked her. The boys then punish Jeremy by stripping him down to his underwear and beating him in the middle of the dance floor. This beginning sets the tone of inhumanity that exists throughout the movie.
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Now years later, the girls who once rejected Jeremy prepare for Valentine's Day. They are all, of course, beautiful and successful, and the iniquities of their younger days are no longer in their minds. There's Paige (Denise Richards), the temptress; Lily (Jessica Cauffiel), the sweet girl; Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw), the rich girl; and Kate (Marley Shelton), the perfect girl. The murder of a former junior- high crony, a medical student seen murdered mere moments after the opening flashback, brings these four girls together. I guess the filmmakers didn't want the viewers to think very hard about who their serial killer might be.
The girls, unlike their slain friend, do not appear to have any ambition save getting a date for Valentine's Day. The audience never sees them at a job of any kind. When they are not hanging around their tastefully decorated homes, they are at bars or parties, checking out guys who are all, for the most part, horrible.
Lily's boyfriend, a dreadfully lousy artist, tries to persuade her to participate in a threesome on their first date. Dorothy's guy is a homeless con-artist with an Internet company on the backburner (if he could just get some venture capital from her). Paige hops from guy to guy, and Kate's boyfriend, despite his apparent alcoholism, is the only one who seems to be in love at all.
As the film progresses and the killer begins leaving twisted death threats in valentines on just about all of the girls' doorsteps, no one's beau is beyond suspicion. A stereotypically sleazy Italian cop takes on the case and, as becomes clear by the end of the movie, is the worst cop in the entire world.
Without giving away anything about the "plot twists," there are a few things one should know about this movie.
First, the characters in this movie do not care about anyone, not even their so-called friends. As people begin to drop like flies, it's as if they've just gone to the bathroom. No one's worried about when they'll get back.
Secondly, the murder-to-suspense ratio in this film weighs in at about three to one. That means "Valentine" is a bad horror movie. The all-too-obvious hints at impending doom (ominous music, faulty overhead lighting) always lead to death, eliminating any semblance of possible suspense.
Finally, the "professionals" behind the making of this movie (and others like it) assume that moviegoers are stupid. They assume that viewers will accept a world in which no one cares about anyone else, and in which every person is breathtakingly beautiful.
When making this weak excuse for a horror flick, the producers declared war on the movie-going public, further dulling any expectations we might have for future Hollywood films. Well, this reviewer says, "Fight back!" Sit this one out. Stay home and watch "Rosemary's Baby" instead. .Archives/2001/February/6/
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