(You need a strong start. Something flashy to catch the reader's eye before you hit them with the hard facts...)
So, my girlfriend had this dog. Her name is Marjorie (the girlfriend, that is, not the dog). Once upon a time six weeks ago, I visited my girlfriend at her Lynchburg residence. There I found the dog out in the garage. It was relieving itself on a copy of
The Cavalier Daily. Now, there's a lesson to be learned from this and it is as follows: Someone will always be there to poop on what you do. It doesn't have to be a dog. It can be a professor, a fellow student, or even a low-level administrator (I name no names). Just as a dog doesn't realize the significance of what it's doing, neither do these other people.
(Next comes the background information. Not every reader will know what's up, so you have to fill them in as quickly as possible.)
This is a parting shot. It is a chance for the managing board of the paper to have one last venue to voice their opinion, say thanks, or wax poetic on just about anything. It's been four years coming, so indulge me for a second. I'll skip the tearful recollection of when I entered the Cav Daily office for the first time. (It was the 1997 Newcomb Hall Crawl. When asked which department I wanted to work for, I answered that I was just there for the free pizza and that I would soon be on my way.) Also missing is the story of when I went to some presidential convention or ACC tournament. (I was in Arts & Entertainment. We don't get crap.) Noticeably absent is the usual tongue-in-cheek self-referential spiel in which I speak in a first-person monologue and talk to the audience. (I don't need a fourth wall, do I, you lovely people out there?) Finally, none of the famous quotes which always manage to find their way into these things. (I mean, this is the winter of our discontent, is it not?)
What is here is what's left over I guess. Anyone who's worked with me realizes that I'm not much for order and discipline. I like to hang loose, go with the flow, be cool as a cucumber, or just about any other
cliche you want to substitute in here.
Now that they know the story, you have to hit them over the head with significance. Why should they read this? How does it affect their life? What lesson can they learn from all this?
So, I suppose this is the part where I impart the wisdom that I've learned at the Cav Daily and at the University these four years.
1. There is no, I repeat, no place in Charlottesville to eat breakfast at 5 a.m. in the morning. And, no, driving around pouting about it won't make them open.
2. Parking and Transportation is the absolute worst organization on Grounds. They have shown neither compassion nor any evidence that they want to work with students to come to a solution to parking problems. Something needs to be done about them quickly. They admittedly have a difficult job but there is proof around grounds (Dining Services, Housing) that large bureaucracies can be run compassionately and effectively.
3. You don't know what you're capable of as a human being unless you're on the Managing Board of The Cavalier Daily. It is the ultimate test of human endurance and most people don't give it the credit that it's due. I don't say this because I want credit for what I did but because the 112th and the 113th and the 114th Managing Board deserve better.
There is no harder job at U.Va. and they need to be respected for that.
4. On that note, I'd like to thank the people who do realize how hard it is. People like Larry J. Sabato, David T. Gies, William Fishback or John Sullivan. While I've personally never had much contact with these people, they have shown a genuine interest in the students of the newspaper as well as student journalism as a whole. On numerous occasions, they have stood up for us and I'd just like to let them know that it is appreciated.
5. I'd like to end by saying that I wish people could accept the Cav Daily for what it is and stop pooping on it. We make mistakes at times and we're not perfect, but get over it. I think for a group of unpaid amateurs who spend up to 70 hours a week on top of their classwork simply out of a sense of pride and love, we do a damn good job.
(Start winding it up. The readers are getting restless. Assure them that the end is near and that they just need to read a few lines more.)
Before I run out of space, I would like to thank a few people.
To the five who came before: Mike, Masha, Emily, Dan and Sonia. I don't know that you guys ever fully comprehended the legacy that you left us with. Your work left us with a strong foundation to work on and anything that we accomplished was a reflection of your time and effort.
To the five who follow, Champ, Jen, Sam, Nerdman, and Blumenkrantz. You're going to make us look bad. You have the staff and the resources to take this paper where it's never been before. Enjoy your time and remember, have fun.
To my board: John, Lindsay, Brian, and Tom. There's nothing sadder than being a has-been and we're it. (Well, except for John, that crazy wunderkind.) I think we did a good job. We messed up a bunch, but we succeeded a lot too and I don't think things could have turned out too much better. I'm sorry I never renewed those Dilberts.
I'd like to thank my parents for supporting my thousand-dollar-a-year habit. There's a shirt on a certain large stuffed bunny that reads "My money goes to the University of Virginia, but my son goes to The Cavalier Daily." They understood that and never really questioned my propensity to take on more responsibility and let my grades suffer even more.
Finally, I'd like to thank one previously mentioned girlfriend with a dog. Marjorie Erin Gidner. Thank you for being there for me and convincing me that I didn't really hate the paper and that I didn't really hate everyone that works there. You are truly a special person (Who knew? There are special people in Lynchburg.) and you've kept me sane. I don't know what my life would be like without you, but I find the prospect terrifying. Olive you. Peas be mine.
Go out with a bang. Leave the reader with a lasting impression.
So, I doubt that I've deeply touched your life with this article. That's setting the bar too high anyway. I mean, you wouldn't listen to me if I was sitting at a bus stop yelling, so why listen to me now. Besides, we all know that The Cavalier Daily is just a self-serving enterprise that doesn't really follow any standards of journalism, right? At least, that's what every letter written to us in the last four years has said.
So, to end, I'll just say two things: First, I've been greatly blessed to have been able to lead you for the last year. I won't say I've loved every minute of it because that's a lie. But it was consistently one of the best experiences of my life and I would just like to thank the staff for giving me the opportunity. Secondly, John, child pornography is wrong, whether or not you get caught.
If I could, I'd like to end with the immortal words of the Bard: "Oh! I am slain."
Adieu.
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