It always sounds impressive when you casually mention you spent three hours in the gym yesterday.
However, it is only effective if shared with a non-University student. Anyone at Mr. Jefferson's University would be able to see through this empty boasting: Two of those three hours were spent in line for the elliptical trainer. (Not to mention the 15 minutes you spent in line for a smoothie.)
Anyone who has made it to the Aquatics & Fitness Center, Slaughter or North Grounds in the past year has encountered lines for elliptical trainers. This machine, a hybrid of a Stairmaster and treadmill, promises a calorie-burning workout without the impact on joints and seems to draw larger crowds than a Dave Matthews Band concert at Scott Stadium.
The elliptical machine offers varying degrees of resistance and incline, which allow you to work up enough sweat to soak through your Bid Day 2001 T-shirt.
However, the machine itself is not always necessary to work up a sweat - this can be achieved by any of the arguments you will encounter when trying to keep your place in line. There's no need to sign up for a kickboxing class when you have brushed shoulders with a rather aggressive third year for the past hour.
It seems lists are no longer required solely for entrance to fraternity parties: The elliptical trainer list is now the most elite at the University. You probably stand a better chance of getting a spot on Phi Psi's guest list this weekend than on the elliptical list at 5:00 p.m. today.
Simply getting your name on The List is not always enough. It only guarantees that you will join the other 20 fanatics haunting the area behind the elliptical machines and wait for that shining moment when someone picks up The List and calls out, "Shannon? Is Shannon here? It's your turn."
But if somebody calls your name at the exact moment you turn on your headphones to search for the one radio station that comes in clearly in the greater-Charlottesville area, forget it. Your time has passed. Hardcore elliptical users take this more seriously than the registrar takes the add/drop deadline.
However, if you are ready when your name is called - not tying your shoelaces, blinking your eyes or busy doing some other time-consuming activity that does not allow you to respond at the speed of light - you will have good news: It is your turn.
For the next 20 minutes, you are free to bob up and down while you listen to one radio station, read your Comm Law book or simply smirk at the 50 people who are still in line behind you.
You can do a slow, uphill trek (think Observatory Hill incline) or a quick-paced run like every other female student at the University. To burn extra calories, try pointing your fingers and laughing (works the abs) at poor Kimberly who is No. 997 on The List right now.
Although the elliptical trainer may not be for everyone, it appears that way from the crowds around it. Some students actually prefer to run outside and up real hills around Grounds - moving forward, as opposed to staying in one place. Yet, this stationary motion may come in handy the next time your dad comments that you seem to be "going nowhere." Tell him what he says may be true, but at least you are burning 250 calories in the process.
If a long workout is what you are after, elliptical trainers might not be the machine for you. Due to their popularity, particularly among female Greeks, the machines are programmed to run only 20 minutes at each use. You can add an extra 5 minutes by completing the cooldown segment at the end of your workout.
However, you may want to carefully evaluate the effect those extra 5 minutes will have on the patience of all those waiting.
Instead, just march away from the machine, feeling refreshed and sweaty, and get in line for a smoothie.
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