This weekend, I realized that I really, really don't like women's basketball.
Now before the National Organization for Women starts to deluge me with letters proclaiming me a misogynist, let me explain. I have this flashback setting on my remote control. I can push it, and it will change between two channels. At 2 p.m. last Saturday, I found myself flipping between the Virginia men's and women's basketball games, which were going on simultaneously.
Click. (Although for the sake of onomatopoetic realism, remote control buttons don't click anymore. But I digress.)
Click. Juan Dixon slashes through the lane, elevates above his defender and shoots a perfect 6-foot jumper.
Click. Random Florida State women's player slowly dribbles around and finally takes a bad shot which clangs off the rim.
Click. Danny Miller flies through the lane and banks in a layup before landing in the second row of seats.
Click. Virginia center Dean'na Mitchelson throws the ball to a player who is not looking. The ball also lands in the second row of seats. After 10 minutes of play, the score is something like 12-7.
After a few more minutes, I decide to go back to the men's game, indefinitely. I turn back in time to see the Virginia men blow yet another 10-point lead.
People always complain that students don't watch the women play. After only a few minutes, it is abundantly clear why: The game just isn't all that interesting.
There's this nasty rumor going around that if you like fundamentals, you should watch women's basketball.
This is simply not true. Show me a shooter in the women's game who's better than Joseph Forte or Juan Dixon. Show me a passer who's better than Steve Blake or Jason Williams. Show me any women's player who can jump anywhere close to as high as Adam Hall. Even Michelle Snow, the much-ballyhooed female dunker, only brings a weak two-handed offering.
The female game is as close as you can get to watered-down. This isn't a case where my dispositions lead to some sort of gender bias. It's not like I can't stand watching women play sports. I'm more than happy to watch women's soccer and tennis, both just as exciting as their male counterparts.
The problem is that women's basketball just seems to emphasize the boring parts of the game. The layup should not be the integral part of any interesting game. Trust me. You need to jump. You need to block shots and throw down monstrous dunks. That's how you get people interested in your sport, and that's how you fill the seats.
The women's NCAA tournament will be shown this year on ESPN2. Some would call this a scheduling coup on the part of The Deuce. I call it indicative of the sport's popularity (or lack thereof). When your sports' championship game comes between RPM 2night and Street Luge time trials, you've got problems.
I don't know what the solution is. I don't know that there is one. Unless the NCAA starts permitting genetic engineering or East German-like steroids programs, I just don't know how much more exciting the game can get.
The women's version of March Madness starts next week. Other than Virginia's games, I won't be watching. But I'm not a lost cause. I can be brought back into the flock. But it'll probably take a tomahawk jam or two.
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