In the recent hubbub over University athletics, a lot of words have been thrown around. Keep track. Don't keep track. Get women's golf. Don't kill the Tier Four sports. But one thing that needs to be said hasn't. So I'll say it. Battle Bots needs to be a University-sanctioned sport.
For those cultural neophytes who don't know what I'm talking about, Battle Bots is a TV show in which two robots equipped with weapons fight to the death.
Now as exciting as women's golf truly is, it can't compare to two robots sawing into each other.
There are so many benefits to my proposal that I can't possibly list them all, but here are a few.
First of all, robots don't need scholarships. We don't really want to educate robots too much anyway because they might start building other robots and then equip them with saws and eventually they're giving them guns and then human skin and then it's "Terminator" all over again, isn't it? So, no scholarships for them. No scholarships means no money, so we'll really only have to pay for travel and perhaps some racing stripes.
Secondly, robots are genderless. Title IX, be damned! We don't have to cut indoor track or wrestling or women's basketball. The robots will not displace anyone. In fact, robots create jobs. The University will need people to maintain the robots, perhaps sharpen their saw blades and oil them up. If we can't afford to pay people, we can let E-schoolers do it. They can take a few minutes off from copying each other's answers to fix a tank tread or two. (By the way, with that last remark, I have officially offended every person at this school in my short term as sports columnist. Score!)
The future is unlimited. Imagine how far robot combat could go. A stadium full of giant robots fighting to the death. Imagine the money that could rake in. (For those of you who just can't picture it, I recommend "Robot Jox," a fine 1991 picture about that very subject. "Citizen Kane" ain't got nothing on "Robot Jox.")
As much as I love football, I just can't imagine people watching it in favor of giant robots. If you don't believe me, take a quick informal poll of the people sitting around you. That's what I thought. Sure, it's a crazy sports innovation. But is it any crazier than the shot clock? The forward pass? The steeplechase?
The University is the perfect place for it to begin. What's more Jeffersonian than robot combat? If Jefferson were alive today, he would have abandoned his writing and his study of architecture. It would be all robots, baby!
As the premier school for robot fighting, we could pace the nation in robot athletics. Who needs Michael Vick when you've got Vlad the Impaler? We could make it so that when people think robots, they think "Mr. Jefferson's University." Imagine the benefits to the Admissions office. U.S. News and World Report rankings? I don't think so. People will want to go where they have the biggest and best robot gladiators.
So, there. I've stated my case. Now it's up to you. Write your local Board of Visitors member. E-mail John Casteen. Let your voice be heard.
P.S. For those of you who have started reading my column because you like to see me bash sports I hate, I'm sorry I let you down this week. So, um, rhythmic gymnastics suck. Especially when they twirl that ribbon or play with the ball. Ugh.
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