I HAVE seen the light. After receiving e-mails from members of the ex-gay community regarding my last column, I realized I was wrong to criticize these groups. I choose now to ignore the plethora of psychological evidence that runs counter to everything that ex-gay groups say. I now believe that homosexuality is a disease, one that can be cured through reparative therapy.
But many of these conservative groups don't go far enough. They are content with converting only gays. In order to truly stop the spread of evil, we must also try to convert the depraved and sinful contemporary of the homosexual: the lefty.
Left-handedness is obviously a deviant behavior. Reports show that only 10 percent of humans are left-handed, a similar percentage as gays. This means that overwhelmingly, the earth is right-handed. This is the way it ought to be. We should not be a society that promotes abnormal and aberrant behavior like left-handedness.
This practice is not only abnormal, but also breeds immorality. The medical word for left-handed is sinistral, which also means "illegitimate" and "wicked." This is defined in the greatest of all books, the dictionary. Obviously, this means that the practice of being left-handed is dishonest and criminal in nature.
Additionally, look at the kind of people left-handedness has produced. Fidel Castro, the inhumane Communist dictator of Cuba, is left-handed. So was the Boston Strangler, whose sinful hands killed many people. Musician Kurt Cobain fell into left-handedness, and ended up depressed and abusing drugs, which are common in the lefty community. Obviously, we should have laws prohibiting such behavior.
But instead, we live in a society that caters to these degenerates. For example, left-handed activists have pushed their way into our school system. Due to the lobbying of these ultra-liberals, even elementary school classrooms now are required to provide left-handed scissors.
By forcing left-handed tools into our school systems, lefty advocates are trying to convert our children to left-handedness as early as possible. With the presence of left-handed scissors, children may want to "experiment" with their dextral preference. Some students might pressure their peers into trying left-handedness, to make them "cool." This is not the kind of influence we want in our schools.
The southpaw lobby also has a stranglehold on Hollywood. For example, celebrities such as Treat Williams, Dan Ackroyd and Telly Savalas are all left-handed. Popular shows such as "The Nanny," "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" and "Growing Pains" consistently featured left-handed characters. Our children aren't even safe when they're watching television.
Lately, it has been considered trendy to "swing both ways," known as being ambidextrous. Many people might think this is not as immoral as being a full-blown lefty. Well think again. Any act of left-handedness is defined as "illegitimate" and "wicked." So even those who swing both ways are hell-bound.
This disease cannot continue to spread. So I have started a lefty conversion center, called "On the Right Path." Here, we deal with people who want to leave the left-handed lifestyle, and convert them through reparative therapy.
There are several ways of treating "recovering southpaws." For instance, they are forced to use only their right hands to perform everyday chores, such as writing, eating and lawn mowing. Group therapy sessions allow many to come to terms with their left-handedness. Through these methods, we help many defeat this disease and live a normal lifestyle.
There have been many cases of ex-patients who abandon their normal lives of right-handedness, and fall back into the pit of the sinful left-handed community. It is sad, but inevitable, that many will succumb to this temptation.
Others say that this is the fault of the ex-lefty groups themselves. We have been accused of using dangerous and medically unsafe techniques, dispensing false and misleading propaganda, and interfering with a person's natural characteristics and traits.
Obviously, these are the rantings of extreme liberal lefty-lovers. We cannot take seriously the charges made by an "illegitimate" and "wicked" community. And keep in mind that those are not my words, those are the words of the almighty dictionary.
Some might argue that not only is it not possible to convert these heathens, but it is unnecessary. To these people, I say only this: We will let nothing, not even logic, stand in the way of our morals and principles.
(Brian Cook is a Cavalier Daily associate editor. He can be reached at bcook@cavalierdaily.com.)
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