WITH THE fall semester just beginning, it seemed like a good time to bring our readership another installment of the extremely popular segment entitled "Ask Seth." Sponsorships are still available for this segment, as is the option to pay not to have your name associated with this column.
Our first question comes from an A. Grow, who writes: "I read that the Virginia Pep Band didn't perform at the halftime of Saturday's game. Why is that?"
The University athletics department has noticed a rather disturbing trend at the last 532 seasons of Cavalier football. At the kickoff of a game, the stands generally are full, and the fans at least give the appearance of being excited. After the first quarter, the stands are still full, although the fans may be disappointed, after realizing that they were tricked into watching a regular season Virginia football game. After halftime, the stands generally are half-empty, although the bars are not.
After deeply considering this issue, the athletics department decided that the halftime entertainment had to be the cause that drove away the fans between the second and third quarters. Hoping to ensnare the parents of every high school student in central Virginia, they benched the pep band and replaced it with high schoolers. Under this theory, fans would stay either to cheer on their own children or to relive their own high school football days by making fun of the members of the band.
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Despite the obvious appeal of having Western Appachuck (home of the Flying Sloths) Marching Band perform "The Sound of Silence," our pep band needs a mission. It needs that halftime show, to give its members reason to stay off the streets at night. Fortunately, I have a modest idea to keep fans around after halftime: it is the "Win Football Games Against Division I-AA Schools by More Than One Point" theory. Essentially, if the athletic department elects to schedule a school whose mascot is a non-venomous arachnid, it would do the team well to beat that school literally senseless. It would also help not to schedule games against teams whose mascots lend themselves to gross positive headlines ("Cavaliers squish spiders") and humiliating negative headlines ("Cavaliers bitten by spiders: develop annoying, inflamed bump on left arm").
Our next question is from H. Prim, who asks, "The Honor Committee is considering some form of 'expedited appeals.' Is the Committee looking to any other reforms in the near future?"
The Committee is looking to create a faster form of appeals, entitled expedited appeals, for students who are dismissed at inconvenient times in their academic career (say, after being enrolled). Under the proposed system, dismissed students would have the chance to attend class while the appeal is being considered.
Although this is somewhat confidential, the Committee is also mulling the creating of an even faster process: The Super-Duper Expedited Appeal. Interested students would agree to be wrapped in a blanket, set on fire, and dunked repeatedly in a tank of lighter fluid. If the student does not have burns over 80 percent of his body, he likely was guilty. The process will be administered by the Thunderdome operator from the "Mad Max" movies.
Our next inquiry comes from J. Jones: "Craig Littlepage was just hired as the athletics director. Isn't he the first African-American athletics director in the Atlantic Coast Conference?"
The phrases "traditionally hostile" and "civil rights" oftentimes are used in the same sentence with any school in the South, including Mr. Jefferson's land of academic opportunity. In all seriousness, Littlepage's ascension to the top of the Virginia athletic world marks a proud moment for this institution. Although this paper probably should have made a passing reference to the historic nature of his appointment, Littlepage will justifiably soon be measured by a very colorblind metric: wins and losses.
Our final question is from A. Politico: "When traveling in western Virginia, I saw some signs for Democratic gubernatorial candidate Mark Warner that said 'This is Warner Country.' What exactly does that mean?"
Most casual political observers assume the signs are just attempts to stake a claim on the votes of rural Virginia. In actuality, the signs are survey markers and reflect Warner's attempts to stake a claim on the property of rural Virginians. Although not well-known, Warner has managed to purchase a two-mile easement off of all Virginia-maintained roads. More than likely, he owns your house right now. As such, he would appreciate your vote this November.
(Seth Wood's column appears Wednesdays in The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at swood@cavalierdaily.com.)
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