It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. How else can I describe last Saturday's slaying of the Cavaliers by the Florida State Seminoles?
On this unseasonably warm fall night, fans poured into Scott Stadium for the third home game of the year. From bow ties to bare bellies, everyone came out to cheer on the 'Hoos to ... another loss. It was remarkable how well the students attend a night game - leaving behind the dying embers of a pre-game barbecue and a few empty cans, they proved that earlier kick-offs just don't do a tailgate justice.
As the students staggered in, some of them actually staggering, it seems that certain ones decided to check their decency at the gate with food, drinks and other "contraband" items. This is Virginia football - it's OK to get rowdy. Right?
The gentlemen sitting directly behind us, and a few of their lady friends, inspired me to pass on the following suggestions for football etiquette.
1. Most of us are not hard of hearing.
Perhaps you may have had too much to drink or your own hearing may not be functioning, but the rest of us can hear your profanities loud and clear. Shouting the same obscene phrases repeatedly does not qualify as a chant. Your first hint should be that no one else is chanting them with you. It would be much more pleasant if you stuck to another pathetic endeavor: Silently doing the wave by yourself.
2. Watch those arms.
After the Cavaliers have scored a touchdown and we've all linked arms for the Good Ole Song, it's customary to spell out U-V-A and cheer along with the cheerleaders, "U-V-A, Go Hoos Go!" However, this is not the YMCA song, nor is it Dance Party U.S.A. There is no need to go flapping around in the aisles as if attempting to take flight. See those men in the yellow vests standing at the top of the stairs? We hire them to control people like you.
3. High heels are never a good idea.
Unless you are a first year attending your first football game at the University, you should know better than to subject your own feet, as well as those of your neighbor, to high-heeled shoes. There are no busses running on game day, so chances are you will have to walk to the stadium and then climb up and down about three flights of stairs before you are able to find any of the friends with whom you intend to sit. For those of you already having trouble simply walking, high heels become an imminent danger to everyone's feet around you. Either avoid wearing the heels or kindly ask the frat boy holding you up to steer you toward a less-populated area.
4. Show a little decorum and forego the chant.
Though it may seem like another beating on the proverbial dead horse, the "Not Gay" chant has got to go. Considering this University prides itself on its diversity, forward-thinking and individuality, the chanters make all of us look bad. The next time you insist on adding the "Not Gay" phrase to the Good Ole Song, I hope someone turns around, points at you, and says, "Not Original."
5. If you're going to act like a moron, don't embarrass others by association. This is not Virginia Tech, and that means that we are not all a bunch of Hokies. Therefore, think twice about wearing your Greek letters or athletic jersey to a football game where you intend to make a fool out of yourself. The other hundred members of your house or sports team might not want themselves identified with "that guy who just tripped fell down an entire flight of stairs." (Perhaps he missed the note about high heels above.)
6. Avoid designating a refreshment runner for your entire section.
Whenever one person mentions they are taking a break from the action to get a lemonade, everyone else automatically is thirsty. This ultimately leads to one person attempting to get drinks for five rows of people. With the hazards of Virginia football running rampant, it is almost assured that someone will knock over the guy carrying the drinks with their arms in mid-cheer or land firmly on his foot with their high heel. It is even possible for someone to fall right on top of him as he tries to make his way back to his seat. It's a bird, it's a plane - no, it's an intoxicated third year. The end result is that soda and lemonade spill over everyone's football dress, and the poor girl who asked for a diet Coke, no ice, with a lemon, gets it spilled down the front of her dress rather than handed to her down the row.
Our next home game still is two weeks away - that gives us plenty of time to shape up before the Demon Deacons take the field against the Cavaliers.
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