VALENTINE'S Day may be the only holiday in America in which federal employees do not receive paid vacation. They receive a paid vacation for Presidents' Day, a day devoted to allowing car dealerships to suggest that George Washington would have driven a Kia, had he been alive today. They also receive money not to go to work on Columbus Day, an event that celebrates Christopher Columbus' discovery of the J.C. Penney linen department. They do not, however, get paid to celebrate the modern American festival of hormones and other fluids.
As a holiday celebrating the mating habits of the Al Paca would better deserve attention than Valentine's Day, this is a good thing.
In simple language, Valentine's Day showcases the absolute worst qualities of American society. Such qualities include dishonesty, stupidity and tacky commercialism. Furthermore, in contrast to Thanksgiving or Christmas - two holidays that often are stuck with the "ugly American" label - V-Day fails to attach any good qualities to itself.
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Valentine's Day, in principle, begins with a lie: It is a day of love. In reality, it is a day of lust. Passion-starved protagonists may attempt to make the affair a dry, innocent event, through the use of hideously bad cards. Examples include "To the cutest sweet pea I know," "My heart buzzes for you," and those featuring, truly, The Crocodile Hunter. In any event, it is a day designed, ultimately, to reach somebody's boudoir of passion.
The symbol of Valentine's Day, of course, is Cupid, a seemingly nice, cute and naked boy. The mythological history of Cupid, particularly the story involving Psyche, suggests a different persona: One of a more mature but equally naked arrow-slinging midget. While somebody fitting the profile of Cupid - imagine a naked Ned Beatty with wings - would be described as a stalker 364 days of the year, on Valentine's Day, people think the whole experience of having one's skin pierced with a sharp object would be exquisite.
The lies continue, if one considers the official color of the holiday: red. Apparently, the color is to correspond to the fluid of the heart, the organ that people allegedly seek during the whole sexual chase. Obviously, few people truly want to steal another's heart, as that person probably would die following the experience. Otherwise, only the high priest from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" would enjoy the day. Instead, people pursue other organs that also involve precious bodily fluids. Unless those people have larger problems, red certainly is not the appropriate color.
Beyond the lies, this holiday encourages acts of random stupidity and senseless idiocy, even in Mister Jefferson's temple of reason. Typically, protagonists do not have the desire to spend dozens of hard-earned dollars on boxes of chocolate-covered calories or a dying, thorn-encrusted plant. On Feb. 14, however, a lady is expected to return a gift that says, "Look what I bought you, honey: fat!" with a kiss or even more.
Hideously shallow commercialism also enters the fray on V-Day. Numerous retailers, tired of selling law jockeys, pornographic magazines and bumper stickers saying "This vehicle protected by Smith & Wesson," turn their attention to unloading t-shirts featuring squirrels and the slogan "I'm nuts for you!" Jared, the star of the Subway television ads and the luckiest man on Earth, has more dignity than the people who buy these things.
Beyond the horrible aspects of Valentine's Day, nothing good accompanies its celebration. Some might say that the day encourages otherwise unromantic people to pay attention to their relationships. In fact, the opposite is true.
Valentine's Day actually creates the expectation that one should have some sort of relationship. For the loser who fails to pay much attention to his girlfriend for the other 51 weeks of the year, the holiday does nothing but give the girlfriend the false hope that he might change or improve his approach. For the individual planning on ending the relationship regardless of what happens in the near future, the fear of appearing really nasty encourages him or her to prolong the doomed relationship and to waste money on a meaningless token.
For a tiny minority of individuals, Valentine's Day may act as a symbol of a continuing and consistent relationship. For most folks, it does little but place unreasonable expectations on some people, make others feel like absolute losers, and make money for folks who normally sell illegal fireworks on the side of the highway.
Unless they just want a one-or-two-orgasm experience, students would do well not to waste their money on these shallow holiday items. They would also do well not to require such items from others. The honesty that would result might be surprisingly refreshing.
(Seth Wood's column appears Wednesdays in The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at swood@cavalierdaily.com.)
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