Happy Easter, I'm your host Bif Brinkley, broadcasting live at our new sky box on top of the Rotunda for the 99th-annual Golden Egg Hunt. I am joined, of course, by my co-host, Bubba, our very own speed demon who has just returned from covering Sunday's Food City 500 NASCAR Race at Bristol Motor Speedway."
"Thank you Bif. Although Bristol is always a thriving metropolis of excitement, it's great to be back in Charlottesville for the Golden Egg Hunt. The Lawn's outfield hasn't looked this green since the 1917 Black Sox scandal, when Shoeless Joe Jackson took the bribe and threw the hunt."
"Yes, perhaps the most tragic day in sports history. Therefore, we've upped the stakes since then. Bubba, tell the viewers what's on the line."
"Even if they never shack on Friday nights, the team that finds the golden egg now will always wake up on Saturday morning to 'One Hell of a Mess,' the White Spot's famous greasy omelet with everything in it. With a lifetime weekend supply of 'One Hell of a Mess' delivered to your bed, you'll never be lonely again."
"Simmer down Bubba ... the procession of teams, carrying their flags, now are approaching the Rotunda steps, led by the University president who, dressed as Peter Cotton Tail, will referee the games. Word has it that the students affectionately refer to him as The Big Bunny, and he truly is hopping today."
"That's right Bif, and he is trailed by the psychology TAs who carry the Rosach ink blot flag which I think coincidentally resembles Kurt Busch in his Ford Taurus when he crossed the finish line and took home the Winston Cup."
"Don't kid yourself Bubba, the ink blot is one of those nauseating marshmallow chicks in a basket of green plastic grass. Never mind now, because here comes the girls of Alpha Alpha, or AA as we call them for short here at the University. I haven't seen that many floral print sundresses since Foxfield. After an embarrassing performance last spring, the girls have changed their hunt strategy and now carry Vera Bradley duffle bags to maximize their egg packing potential. I know that you, Bubba, own a variety of patterns and colors."
"I do indeed, Bif. Now here comes the lacrosse team and their stats read that last year they stepped on five eggs, picked up two and checked and broke a career high of 120 eggs. Absolutely amazing. Also there are those government majors, who will make sure that no one cheats and breaches the honor code. And, there ... no ... Bif, could it be?"
"But has he come clean? Chester Wintergreen Dogwood VI has returned after begin stripped of last year's golden egg title after the lab published his drug test results. Chester proudly is displaying the goat flag and is followed by a herd of guys who look pretty rough."
"What's that stench Bubba?"
"Bif, it's not me. I just doused myself with Old Spice, a South of the Border shower trick that I learned when I covered cliff diving in Acapulco. It smells instead like Chester's gang who seriously trained for the egg hunt and followed a strict all-onion diet."
"That's devotion to the sport."
"Let's go to the egg-cam Bubba. Seems like the lacrosse team has scooped up the pastel pink eggs and now is cradling them down the lawn. Meanwhile the Nursing school has brought out the incubators, and the mathematicians are making no progress as they discuss the probability of a win. But check out the Alpha Alphas, they truly are going for the gold."
"That's right Bif, after a pledge retreat to NASCAR, they fueled up on Diet Coke this morning and after a few jelly bean pit stops, they are already on lap 444! Oh look Bif, at the crazy blond in the lime green! Muffy's shoe got caught in the mud and she's spun out, and there are eggs all over the place! She's now the goalie of the Old Cabell doors, and the lacrosse team is making its attack. Muffy never lets anyone score (with the exception of her last date function) and has an 80 percent saves percentage."
"The viewers at home will love this instant replay. The psychology TA's over analyzed the egg hunt, called all the teams schizophrenics and chased them with electroshock therapy. They now sit in the penalty box as the crowd has gone wild and thrown the celery stalks from their Bloody Marys onto the Lawn. Is that blood Bubba?"
"No it's Tabasco sauce! Meanwhile, the lacrosse team chucked their eggs against Cabell Hall, and the art student screamed, 'That is Art.' They have thrown punches at a Comm group that claims the work has no market value. And they're going right for the jugular."
"Bubba, let's take a moment to remind the good people at home that all the proceeds of the Golden Egg Hunt go to Bodos for Bankrupts, the new charity which provides cinnamon raisin bagels and cream cheese to the unfortunate souls who lost their stock portfolios in the Enron fiasco.
Now back to the egg-cam. It seems like the girls of AA, desperate for the win, have attacked the lacrosse team with their Vera Bradleys. A yellow card has been thrown, and the law students are arguing the call - they do like those younger girls."
"Incredible, I've just gotten word that the seventh year slackers are approaching the Lawn for a late entry. Don't be fooled by their New Balances. They will just recline in crazy creaks and watch the end of the hunt."
"Bubba, watch this! It's down to the wire and a seventh year has picked up a Frisbee, and underneath lays a Take It Away sandwich. He spreads on the house dressing, goes in for a bite and doesn't realize that the golden egg is in between the cucumbers and sprouts. There is one second left on the egg-timer, and he swallows the golden egg whole!"
"Bif, I'll never understand the whole cucumber and sprouts craze. The counter boy almost told me off when I asked for lettuce and tomato."
"Toughen up Bubba. Thank you at home for joining us for the 99th-annual Golden Egg Hunt. Make sure to tune in on April 27 for 'Where are all the Pretty Horses?' - our all-day, live coverage of Foxfield. Though nothing beats the Rotunda sky box, we're looking forward to broadcasting from a flatbed truck. I'm Bif Brinkley, and Bubba and I wish you and your loved ones a very happy hunt"
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 23 hours agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | 2 days agoWhat the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
