IT'S THE classic love story. Boy meets girl, they flirt and get to know each other, they start to date, and then after a while they break up. It happens to the best of us. Odds are it's happened to you.
But when it's over, it hurts bad. Is it worth it? In his book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," Joshua Harris argues that it is not. Harris is right. Casual dating, seeing someone regularly without the intention of marriage, is a bankrupt convention, and it is a training ground for divorce. Courtship, or dating with the intent to marry, is much more loving and genuine.
Harris argues that aspects of modern American dating are a lot like aspects of marriage. To begin a relationship, a guy often proposes to a girl he likes by asking the question: "Will you go out with me?" Just like marriage, official dating relationships have expectations of fidelity and commitment. Just saying "he's my boyfriend" or "she's my girlfriend" makes a claim of ownership, and just like a husband, a boyfriend cannot see other women and is expected to call and talk to his girlfriend regularly. Dating is even as intimate as marriage. Couples share everything with each other, and many choose to have sex.
But as great as this romance and companionship can be in the short term, it just creates problems in the long run. Casual dating is a cheap imitation of the love and intimacy of a real marriage. Imagine that it is your wedding day. The wait is over, and you are just about to marry the person of your dreams. It is a beautiful spring afternoon, and your whole family has come to see one of the happiest moments of your life. As you walk up to the altar, you shake with nervous excitement because you have been waiting for so long, but when you arrive and greet your bride-to-be, there are 10 men standing there with you. You don't get to have your new bride all to yourself. Instead, you have to share her with each of them. Each one of them has a piece of your bride's heart. Harris argues that during each of your wife-to-be's relationships she gave a piece of herself away, and now there is not much left of her that doesn't have to be shared with those other men. Your bond with her is not what it could have been; there are too many ghosts in the way. Casual dating takes away from the uniqueness and sanctity of marriage.
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It could be argued that people give a part of themselves away in courtship as well. This is true, but the difference is that casual dating often involves sex. Because courtship is dating with marriage in mind, many couples wait until their wedding night to have sex, but because casual dating doesn't have such a tangible destination, there is nothing to wait for at all. This means that when people finally get married, they have had sex with multiple partners, and they have experienced special physical intimacy with other people. This takes away from the bond of the marriage relationship and increases the possibility of divorce.
Another problem with casual dating is breaking up. When a couple is dating, they have a great time and they may really care about each other, but when they break up, they often are so angry and hurt that they never want to see each other again. It is like someone flicked a switch; the two mindsets are like night and day. One moment the relationship is light and fun, but it is bitter and dysfunctional the next. Of course, some people manage to stay friends, but even then, their relationship is a shadow of what it once was.
Although marriages also can break apart and cause unspeakable grief, the difference is that they are not destined to end this way. Looking at the situation coldly, there are only two ultimate possibilities for dating relationships: marriage or breaking up. If the couple never intends to get married in the first place, then breaking up is a foregone conclusion, and their relationship is doomed. This is why casual dating is bankrupt. It only leads to broken hearts and hurt feelings.
Against the backdrop of being doomed to failure, casual dating exacts even more of a cost. Harris argues that when people create all of the intimacy and expectations of a wonderful future with their boyfriend or girlfriend, it is like driving a car 100 miles per hour and then slamming on the brakes. Casual dating cannot live up to its own expectations. It simply does not deliver the goods, and people get hurt as a result. The system is so broken that both members of the defunct relationship often pick themselves up and go on to date other people, and the pattern continues.
Courtship definitely saves a lot of grief. It accepts the idea that dating is about trying to find a spouse, not a trophy girl or a kissing partner. It doesn't take people only to a certain point and leave them there. It is the only way to date with true love, respect and honesty because it is rooted in a desire to take the relationship to its complete and glorious fulfillment. It can live up to the expectations it creates, and it doesn't end with bitterness and resentment. It is not bankrupt, and it doesn't leave scars. It culminates in something more beautiful and wonderful than anything dating ever could hope to see. It all adds up; dating any other way is senseless.
(Mark Jensen's column appears Fridays in The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at mjensen@cavalierdaily.com.)
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