I write today on behalf of all the girls out there who, like myself, particularly are puzzled at a certain aspect of male behavior. It isn't their tendency to leave the toilet seat up or their unwillingness to leave messages on answering machines that I'm addressing (although an explanation of those would be much appreciated at some point).
No, the trait in question is much more apparent than your run of the mill idiosyncrasy - so apparent that I've found it virtually inescapable around Grounds. It's a syndrome that knows no seasonal boundaries and transcends social barriers (read: you're as likely to see this at the physics library as you are on Rugby Road).
I'm talking about cargo here - cargo pants and shorts to be specific. Light khaki, dark khaki, olive green - no matter the color, I have yet to understand the appeal of such apparel.
Granted, I've noticed quite a variety of styles within the cargo realm. You have your dressier cargos with a relatively unobtrusive side pocket. Then there's the other end of the spectrum: pants with pockets so big they look like they might well eliminate the need for a backpack. To top it all off, some pockets are lined on the outside with orange mesh which serves some indiscernible purpose.
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However, all cargo-wearers are guilty in my book. It's sort of like speeding. Whether you're going 50 or 80, you're still guilty if the speed limit happens to be 30. Maybe some people deserve a harsher punishment than others, but it's impossible to deny that they're all doing something wrong.
Why do guys love cargo pants so much? Maybe they all have a secret yen to be paratroopers in the British army, but I'm guessing that's not the case for most.
So I posed this question to an unbiased observer - a friend of mine from high school who goes to school up north (Yes, Virginia, there is life north of the Mason Dixon line). This particular friend attends an Ivy League university and can expound upon the finer points of the internal combustion engine at the drop of a hat. Yet when posed with the question of exactly why cargo pants should be considered valid apparel, his answer proved surprisingly inadequate.
"You can hold so much stuff in them," he lamely asserted. "They're really useful."
I don't think I'm alone here in claiming that I have yet to see anyone actually make use of the cargo pocket. Besides, if boys are too lazy to put the toilet seat down, are they really going to fiddle with those extra buttons whenever they need a place to stash their keys or wallet? Non-cargoed men throughout the ages have proved that a wallet slides perfectly into a back pocket and keys fit nicely in a standard side pocket, thank you very much.
Aside from these items, what else do guys really need to carry on their persons? A pen? A cell phone? Please! That's hardly enough to fill up two normal pockets, let alone warrant a need for an extra five gallons one on either side.
Let's flash back for a moment to the 80s. Although most of us probably were too caught up in the "Smurfs" to notice, those were the days when the "cool" guys wore not cargos, but Z. Cavariccis.
Now back to the present. When do you see Z. Cavariccis anymore? Perhaps you've stumbled across a pair at a thrift store, which you hold up in jest while exclaiming to your friend "Can you believe people actually wore these?!" Perhaps you've spied them on 80s week on VH1, but in any case, they probably warranted the same degree of ridicule.
This isn't a history lesson; rather, I'm just trying to point out that, unlikely as it may seem, cargo pants may well be to the 90s what Z. Cavs were to the 80s.
Sure, cargos might have some sort of stylistic appeal totally outside the realm of function. I mean, what could go better with a wife-beater, backwards visor and white Adidas sneakers? If you're going for that delayed-adolescence boy band look, then by all means, sport those cargos proudly!
And yes, I agree that tan, blue-eyed Abercrombie model looks pretty sexy in his cargo pants, but then again, he'd probably look sexy in a muumuu. Let's get real - the reason he's wearing cargo pants is because he gets _paid to. He probably does attract gorgeous women in real life, but I'd venture that has nothing to do with what kind of pants he's wearing.
My musings lead me to conclude that there are two appropriate times in a man's life for him to wear cargos: in high school or in the military. If you happen to be in neither group, then shove those cargos to the back of your closet.
They might make a nifty Halloween costume 15 years from now, or at least come in handy during times of martial law.
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