IMAGINE for a moment a splendid little holiday based on the slaughter of innocent children. Before you judge, the holiday does involve a pretty delicious feast. Now imagine a religion based on a book that tells you that you can celebrate this holiday every year! There actually are two, and odds are you already belong to one of them. If you don't, you should really consider joining up. People these days aren't getting enough religion, and they're missing out on all the great moral messages that religious traditions have to offer.
Judaism or Christianity, take your pick; Passover is detailed in the Old Testament, so both great religions can get in on the fun. It exemplifies one of the many uplifting moral tones that the Bible has to offer. And what other holiday is exciting enough to involve the good Lord's decision to murder all the first-born sons of Egypt?
Even the name is a classy sort of pun. See, in Biblical times when the Jews were enslaved, they all marked their doors with lambs' blood so that God's angel of death knew to "pass over" their houses and only slaughter the Egyptians' sons in their beds. You bet your marbles the Pharaoh freed the Jews when he saw all those dead children lying around! Now if that doesn't teach good problem-solving skills, I don't know what does.
It seems like God just isn't willing to send his angels out to smite thousands upon thousands of young boys any more. And it's really a shame, too, because there are so many worthwhile modern causes that some swift smiting could help out with. Maybe some smiting could get Saddam to stop with the weapons of mass destruction. Or perhaps it could persuade some of those pesky Palestinians to stop exploding themselves when all those other people are around. After all, God did make a covenant with the ancestors of the Jews, whose stores are losing a lot of business due to the nuisance of those suicide attacks.
Yes, a return to good old Biblical slaughtering might be exactly what this world needs to get back on its moral track. There's just not enough traditional religion around these days. In fact, if God did again decide to send out an angel to impose a little divine will, the effectiveness of His handiwork could easily be doubled or even tripled. Really, why limit the job to only first-born sons? A lot of folks have several brats of both sexes running around, and losing only the oldest boy might not prove so trying for them in this time of life insurance and emotionally-nurturing memorial services. But just imagine how fearfully they would succumb to His will if He wiped out their whole stinking litter. It honestly wouldn't even create too much extra work to smite a few more little kids here and there. A lot of them would probably be too young and feeble to resist much, anyway. And I'm sure God could scrounge up another angel of destruction if the work got too heavy for a single-angel job.
In any event, it's clear that God's omnipotence is as much of a bore to Him now as always. Yeah, He could make all the bad men stop their naughtiness just by wishing it so, just like he could have with the Pharaoh. But that's no fun. It'd be like cheating in Solitaire. And what a waste of an opportunity for violence against defenseless children!
So God, if you're reading this, here's the proposal: Let's make things interesting and trumpet some righteousness the old fashioned way. Picture a Passover "part II." You pick a sinner, say Saddam or Yasser, who's been a particular pain in your heavenly hindquarters. We'll eviscerate some animals and mark our doors with their bleeding entrails, to avoid confusion. Then you just send your angel out to rip up all the kids of all the families that happen to be under the thumb of whichever scumbag you choose. That ought to make things right.
And hey, even if some problems still linger, you could always break out one of those other nine biblical plagues. Honestly, you've got some good ones. That turning water into blood bit you pulled off in Egypt was fabulous. It's amazing you didn't get the Pharaoh on your first try with that one.
You see God, some people don't even believe in the first Passover anymore, much less that flood of yours that drowned everyone or that time you fire-and-brimstoned Sodom and Gomorrah. With all this non-literalist interpretation mumbo jumbo going around, even churchgoers are starting to doubt your wrath. Morality is just going right down the tubes.
The point is, there's nothing to lose with Passover II. It can be quicker, deadlier and more spectacular than the last Passover. We even can call Don King and he can do for you what he did for Mike Tyson. Except I doubt he'll try to rip you off after he sees how you do business.
Sure, the lambs might not be too happy what with us sprinkling their blood around to ward off death and all, but they have to understand that all those doorways can start to look the same to one of your weary angels of destruction. Plus, we could all eat some lamb chops after the vengeful murdering is done with. We might even get another holiday out of it. You'd be surprised how easily people can forget about the whole messy massacre when beads of lamb juice are dribbling down their chins. It's a win-win situation, God. Maybe someone will even write a book about it one day. Just imagine what wondrous religions such a book might spark.
(Anthony Dick is a Cavalier Daily associate editor. He can be reached at adick@cavalierdaily.com.)
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