There's no point in dumping all over "Star Wars Episode II - Attack of the Clones" because 75 percent of America has already beat me to it. The other 25 percent either regards "Star Wars" movies as critically bulletproof or has no idea what a Wookie is.
So instead of beating this dead horse, I'll try to emphasize what works in its favor.
The climactic battle scenes, though thoroughly unoriginal, are very well-staged and downright rousing. The light saber battle between Yoda and Count Dooku is a real show-stopper (though it's a letdown that Yoda doesn't get to serve a killing blow). There's a fairly exciting airborne chase scene through a city that made me swear I was watching "The Fifth Element." Samuel L. Jackson's Mace Windu character is given much more screen time and even gets to chop one main villain's head off. Jar-Jar is barely in the movie at all (though the function he serves is highly questionable - a Senator's representative in her absence!?).
There, I gave the movie credit where credit is due. Now, to go back on my decision not to dump all over the movie, here are the problems.
The kid can't act. I'm referring, of course, to Hayden Christensen, the lad who essays the role of the future Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker. He's just awful. The audience was either squirming awkwardly or just laughing at him every time his character got remotely serious. The romantic subplot between him and Senator Padme (Natalie Portman) feels forced and very hard to swallow.
Obi-Wan's no prize, either. Ewan McGregor does his best with it, but his work is more like an effective love-letter to Sir Alec Guinness' performance than a role unto itself. Obi-Wan is largely an overbearing father figure in this one and his pettiness and criticism almost makes Anakin's inevitable rebellion against him quite understandable.
Christopher Lee is just great as the villainous Count Dooku. Not over-the-top, but just sinister enough. Hiring him for this movie was the smartest move Lucas made during pre-, mid- or post-production.
But it's almost impossible to get past the terrible awkwardness of Christensen's performance. He's the axis the movie spins around. Who can actually believe that Senator Padme is attracted to this prickly, pretentious chump?
But the human relationships never really were what "Star Wars" was all about. The heart is in the hardware.
So fittingly, the film is really nothing but an excuse for one panoramic, fancy-pants computer generated image effect after another. Someone needs to tell Lucas that the novelty of CGI wore off about a decade ago. Since "Jurassic Park," nothing computerized has even come close to knocking as many viewers' socks off.
Now gratuitous CGI is more likely to induce watch-checking than jaw-dropping. It just ain't special anymore. It's just a hook to hang a weak story on.
You know a movie's in trouble when the audience cheers at the moment a good guy (Anakin, of course) gets blasted by an electric bolt from the main bad guy - Dooku, who is way cooler. I doubt anyone will really care one way or the other when Anakin goes all the way to the dark side in the next episode.
Along with the less-than-stellar acting, even the title deserves criticism. It isn't even accurate. Which is particularly ironic because even the most hardcore "Star Wars" fans were howling with confusion and mocking laughter when that lame "Clones" title was announced about a year back.
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The clones don't attack in this movie, they come to the rescue. The Jedis would be exterminated if it weren't for the clones' help. But it's implied that the clones will be a threat in the next episode. So, if Lucas wanted to be more accurate, he should have titled this mess "Threat of an Attack of the Clones." Doesn't sound much worse than the title he chose.
Overall, "Star Wars" fans will be pleased. By now, they've already seen it - perhaps dozens of times. And "Episode II" is a major step up from "Phantom Menace." I didn't hate this one. It definitely has its moments, but it's got some very serious problems.
"Attack of the Clones" is a very flawed film that could have been a lot of fun if only every single scene with Anakin Skywalker alone or with the Senator had been cut. May the force of better acting be with you next time, George.
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