Question: Where are you most likely to hear the opening strains of "Fur Elise?"
A) at a middle school piano concert.
B) in the movie version of a Jane Austen novel.
C) in the middle of your 350-person literature class as someone's cell phone rings.
I don't actually have to tell you the answer to this, right?
One of my professors this semester has a brilliant policy: If your cell phone rings out loud in class, he's going to answer it for you.
I think this rule should become a UJC-enforced Standard of Conduct, but with one specific amendment -- if a cell phone rings in the middle of class and plays a song, it promptly will be thrown out the nearest window. If it plays "The Mexican Hat Dance," its owner will be thrown out the window with it.
Granted, there's nothing like the sound of a shrill ring to ruin your ears more severely than standing front row at Ozzfest. But come on
Pachelbel at the Pav? "Jingle Bells" in the middle of July?
But it gets better. Though the average cell phone comes with about five types of actual rings and 15 types of song ringers, apparently that's not enough for the true music connoisseurs among us.
Now you can download popular songs converted into ultra-annoying ringer format. So if "Ode to Joy" hasn't already driven away all your friends, downloading a new Creed ringer should probably do the trick.
But musical ringers aren't my only peeve against cell phones. Call me old-fashioned, but whatever happened to the days when you called someone, left a message on an answering machine and then waited patiently for the person to get home and call you back?
Apparently, this process could take minutes, even hours (The horror! The horror!). Nowadays, some people don't even have regular phone lines, and if they do, but they don't answer, we immediately hang up and try their cell phones. And inevitably, their cell phones ring when they're in the middle of class.
Now when that happens, the person being called has two options. She either can frantically reach into her bag to turn it off, all the while looking like a deer in headlights, or play it cool and let it ring, hoping the professor thinks it actually belongs to someone else.
Although it seems unbelievable that someone might actually choose to ignore their phone, I've observed this phenomenon enough to report that sadly, it does happen. But to all you play-it-coolers, guess what: It doesn't work.
When the entire class turns to look at you on the third ring, we can tell by your beet-red face that it's your phone. Do us all a favor. Suck it up and turn it off. And never bring it to class again.
Now that cell phones have become just another daily accessory, I've been hearing some strange murmurings around Grounds. Conversations that you used to have in your room with the door closed now take place waiting in line at the bookstore or walking to class.
To all you candid talkers out there, let me warn you. More people than you think are listening. Not that they mean to, but when they're straggling to class behind you on a Friday morning, yapping about your steamy Thursday night date might just perk a few ears.
Call me crazy, but people on cell phones tend to give off a certain air of indifference to the world around them. Take, for example, the half-wave cell phone talkers give when they pass a friend on Grounds. Or how awkward it is for a cashier at a store to talk to you while you're busy yakking a mile a minute to someone else.
Sure, your cell phone is facilitating communication with the person on the other end of the line, but isn't it doing so at the expense of the world immediately around you?
So even though fall's hottest accessory has gone wireless, let's remember that like any accessory, it's not for all occasions. Almost everyone knows they would look pretty silly wearing sunglasses inside the mall or carrying a sequined evening bag to class, but doesn't anyone realize that brandishing a cell phone in these situations certainly isn't any better?
Remember, somehow, we all got through the majority of our young lives sans cell phones. Our grandparents got through most of their entire lives without the existence of Sprint PCS. And since the beginning of time, civilizations have risen and fallen without free nights and weekends.
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