I've been called selfish once or twice before. Ok once or twice, by several of my friends. To be honest, I don't like to share, never have. I'll do it. But there's always that part of me that when a friend asks to borrow one of my favorite shirts, or wants a bite of my sandwich, or a ride to class, that hesitates. That asks "how is this going to put me out?"
So perhaps it is not one of my best traits.
But for those of us who are just a tad bit selfish, how far does this extend and does it extend into our sex lives?
While being selfish with the contents of your closet is one thing, being selfish in the bedroom is quite another and certainly not something I ever wanted to be accused of. (Virgin-basher is one thing, but selfish sexual partner -- you've just gone too far).
So exactly what makes someone a selfish sexual partner? And just how bad must we be, before we are beyond all reform? The blatant ones are easy to spot. There is no exact warning sign. But once we have them in the bedroom we know almost instantaneously.
These people are completely out for themselves, they want to get theirs, roll over and go to sleep. Everything is on their terms, when, where, how, even how much. They are not into sex; they certainly are not into you. What they are into, though, are themselves -- big time.
Maybe they feel that you pleasuring them should be pleasure enough for all. Either way it's never a pleasant experience.
When asked, Kate, a fourth year, seemed to know exactly what I was talking about. "A selfish sexual partner is someone who puts their pleasure first and above anything else," she said.
She told me that this person is aggressive, works quickly and if things got desperate even would take matters into his own hands.
Well I'm not gonna go there just yet, but I think it is safe to assume that this is of the most extreme cases.
Yet as my search continued, I realized that perhaps the selfish sexual partner is not as rare a breed as we might think.
Leigh, a fourth year, details a similar experience with a one-time partner.
She said that the guy she hooked up with "pounced" on her, kissed her for no more than 10 seconds, tried to tear off her shirt, and was down her pants before she even knew what hit her. The next thing she knew, he was ready for her to take action.
"I felt like he was just trying to cover all of his bases so then it would be his turn," she said.
And don't think that these slime ball maneuvers are limited to only guys. SSP's (as they should now forever be called) cut across both sexes and it's never pretty.
Brian, a third year, believes that no matter what sex a person is, selfish sex is just defined as someone who is not pro-active in bed.
"You know, a person who just lays there and acts like a beached whale," he said.
Ok, nobody EVER wants to be described like that. So maybe these are severe cases, but I am not sure they are the only qualifications that make us selfish in bed.
What interests me more, though, are the ways we all can be subtly selfish. These are the sneaky little SSP tendencies that are the hardest to spot, but compounded over time lead to a seriously one-sided relationship.
Maybe we give oral sex just a little less often than we receive it. Maybe we are calculating when it comes to sex. Maybe we are a little skimpy when it comes to foreplay.Or maybe, sex ends for us the second we orgasm even if our partner is still going strong.
Personally I believe that most of us have been this person at one time or another.
Brian admits to this, but adds that it mostly depends upon the circumstances. "I'm probably a taker, unless I truly like a girl. If I really like her, I'm gonna try my damdest to be the best," he said.
Most of us tend to be a little selfish when we are not as into a person, but suddenly become selfless when we aim to impress.
Brian even told me that he thinks guys tend to be more selfish.
Umm, ya think?
But really, when it comes down to it, maybe girls are just a little more manipulative about it and a little less likely to admit it.
"Sometimes you confuse the beached whale syndrome with someone being nervous or inexperienced," Brian said.
Now this is an important point. Just because someone seems a little timid or isn't jumping down your pants every chance they get, does not mean they should be written off as an SSP.
Two people really should get used to one another and what their partner likes before a fair assessment can take place.
At the same time, there are people who use the guise of being inexperienced to their advantage.
A friend of mine loves to play the good girl routine. The 'oh no I definitely can't do that. I've never done that before.' It works like a charm and she knows it, but it's a load of crap and she knows that too.
These selfish behaviors may be harmless in a one-time hookup, but become larger issues as a relationship grows.
Leigh told me that she had a relationship with a guy who wasn't obviously selfish, but calculating.
She said that he would always beg her for oral sex, but when it came down to it he never seemed to want to reciprocate. When confronted on the issue, she said he would defend himself by telling her that she never asked.
Now that's an excuse if I ever heard one.
I think that most of us would prefer not to have to ask, but it's even worse when we feel that our partner only is doing things for us out of obligation.
This is just the kind of frustration that Leigh seemed to feel. "He kept track of everything and always expected me to return the favor."
And we're really in trouble when sex becomes something for which we have to barter.
"I think that in an ideal relationship or at least the one I want to be in, there isn't awkwardness over the give and take. It's not that you feel like you are returning a favor but that you want to please your partner," Leigh said.
So for the guilty parties, is reform possible for our SSP behaviors?
Brian said that in most cases, it is possible. "It probably depends on why you are being selfish and if you realize it or not
if you want to get better," he said.
My advice -- the best sexual partner takes pleasure in other people's pleasure, and sometimes there is nothing better.
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