Are you tired of standing on the boring Halloween costume sidelines of life?
Were you the one last year wearing khakis, a flannel shirt and a stick-on nametag that read "Hello my name is: Brandon Walsh"? Or, was it you that had on massive hoop earrings, blue eye shadow and screamed "Can't you tell I'm Jessie Spano?"
If one of these situations describes you, then you might need costume help. Put away that pillowcase and your pathetic plan to be a peppermint Chiclet. Trained professionals at the Halloween Hotline are here to help. Just call 1-800-CLuLESS. Operators are standing by.
Caller #1: Big Daddy Warbucks
If you're tight with your wallet and you have thighs of steel, you will love this affordable look: tightie whities, an oxford and tube socks. That's right, the Tom Cruise, "Risky Business" get-up is hotter than ever this year (sunglasses not included). Yet due to a few mishaps last year (we received your letters and photos), the Halloween Hotline is no longer liable for numbness, discoloration of appendages, pneumonia or bronchitis suffered if the air is a tad bit nippy.
Caller #2: Half Baked
You can't help but love it. On rainy nights, or even in the morning, it's all you want. It can be hot or cold, and even when it's bad, it's good. You drive all the way down Ivy just for a bite. The Sante Fe, the Mediterranean, the Thai Chicken with spicy peanut sauce. That's why tonight you must roll yourself in tinfoil and pay homage to your favorite fast food -- the Zazus wrap. True, the Wizard of Oz clan might mistake you for the Tin Man and try to grab you for group photos. But that's why you'll have your Styrofoam-sporting best friend with you -- the large Ridiculous Archer.
Caller # 3: It's getting hot in here, so
Do you want to sizzle like a jalapeño on a fajita skillet? Have you already been the sultry French maid for the past three years? Your feather duster has been around the block one too many times. It's time to break into the Halloween Hotline's surplus of Moulin Rouge dancer costumes. Nothing says "spicy" like fishnets! The costumes also come with a workshop video entitled "Think Warm: Caribbean Beaches and Roaring Campfires" to help you prepare for the cold walk home in this skimpy number. The video focuses on the powers of imagination, featuring sing-along tunes such as "My Legs are Frostbitten but it Feels Like a Sauna out Here." Who ever said sex appeal was painless?
Caller # 4: Singing Sensation Wannabe
We know what you've been up to. In Spanish class, you mouthed the word: "Bailamos." Before bed you speak softly into your pillow, "Don't turn out the lights." While driving, you feel the engine humming and think, "Rhythm Divine." Enrique! Sing to us no longer. The Halloween Hotline is here to intervene. Put down those leather pants and your fantasy of belting out "I can be your hero, baby." Spare us all. Spare yourself. Be Batman.
Caller # 5: Our First Mate
Do you show signs of being a first year that has been spending a little too much time at Down Under (dirty, torn khakis, ripped dress, shoes mysteriously caked with mud)? Need a quick and easy costume to fit your social schedule? Don't be a bludger (that's Australian for "lazy person"). Instead, dress as the lovable Crocodile Hunter or his wife, Terri. You'll look bib and tucker. (Translation: dressed to the nines). Impress your first-year friends with phrases like "grab a coldie" (a beer). Blame your scrapes and bruises on the gators. The night will definitely be a corker (a great one).
The Halloween Hotline: 1-800-CLULESS. On call 24 minutes a day, seven days a year. Satisfaction not guaranteed.
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