COLLEGE is often referred to as a time for young adults to be wild with few enduring consequences before they must go out into the real world, get jobs, have families and become responsible citizens. It is for these and other reasons that many college students avoid serious, committed relationships and instead opt for a path referred to by many as "friends-with-benefits," in which two friends agree to have a sexual relationship without any of the worry of commitment or monogamy. Just to clarify, a sexual relationship can incorporate any degree of sexual contact and will be different for everyone. For some college students, these open relationships may be just the answer to their woes of wanting companionship without commitment. But for most, the friends-with-benefits solution will lead to problems. College students should not engage in open relationships because of the drama they will lead to and should instead devote time to pursuing more conventional friendships and committed relationships.
Friends-with-benefits relationships happen when two friends decide to have a sexual relationship in which it is understood that there will be no emotions, no commitment and no monogamy. However, many times one member of this spoken contract will allow emotions to emerge or expect some degree of monogamy. In these situations, one person will hurt the other if he or she starts spending more time with another person or unexpectedly calls off the arrangement. Allowing the basic rules and agreements to fall to the wayside can cause the friends-with-benefits agreement to end abruptly, leading to resentment and anger and often damaging or ending the friendship.
Spending time with a person, especially if that time involves sexual attraction and actions, predictably leads to the formation of attachment. Often, one of the friends in a relationship like this will form a new kind of bond and want to move the relationship to the next level -- a committed, monogamous relationship. If the other person does not reciprocate this desire, feelings of rejection and awkwardness are foreseeable. After one person has put him or herself "on the line" it is hard to return to the friends-with-benefits status and nearly impossible to go back to being just friends. This situation also can lead to the termination of the friendship.
In all friendships there exists an underlying balance of time, wants, needs, likes and dislikes. By adding sex and thus changing the dynamics, the "friends," or maybe just one of them, may no longer be interested in just pursuing mutual interests and spending time together but instead become primarily concerned with pursuing the "benefits" aspect of the relationship. Even if the friends have not been completely explicit in their expectations of how they will balance the two seemingly opposite sides of the relationship, desires often change and it is this evolution of emotion that leads to conflicts and lost friendships.
Frequently, relationships in college are difficult as people balance work and social lives in addition to the need for companionship and the need for freedom. It is important for college students to reach this balance and to learn to maintain it. However, trying to be friends-with-benefits or similar open relationships is not the best way to achieve this goal. Relationships such as these lead to hurt feelings and terminated friendships as individuals' expectations and desires change over time. College students should pursue valuable friendships and avoid complicating relationships with sexual issues. If they do choose to pursue this possibility, they should be careful to set forth clear expectations and goals in hopes of preventing a bad ending. Most importantly, college students should use their time in college to have fun as they grow as individuals and work to figure out what they want and need from life. Take advantage of the only time it will be tolerable to misbehave on a regular basis, while avoiding situations that will serve only to complicate life and push friends away.
(Kate Durbin's column appears Fridays in The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at kdurbin@cavalierdaily.com.)
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