If you've ever seen "When Harry Met Sally" you might remember when Billy Crystal explains the rules for friendship between men and women.
"No man can ever be friends with a woman he finds attractive; he always wants to have sex with her," he says.
Meg Ryan naturally challenges this statement
"So you're saying a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive," she says.
Crystal thinks for a minute.
"No, he pretty much wants to nail them too."
Although you might remember Ryan's fake orgasm better than you do these lines of wisdom, Crystal really does drive the point home.
What he seems to recognize so clearly is that it is rare to see a man and a woman stay close friends for a prolonged period of time without anything sexual ever happening or at least one of you thinking about it.
After all, you already have some sort of attraction to the person. Whether it is a physical one or some aspect of their personality, something has drawn you to that person and compels you to want to spend time with them. When you add the male-female dynamic, it is natural to ask yourself, 'what would it be like?'
If you get the physical thing going, you might just hit that state of romantic bliss that we all envy so much.
But making the transition from close friends to lovers can be awkward, incredibly tricky and may blow up in your face if you're not careful.
Things can be so difficult because there are certain circumstances that allow a man and a woman to engage in a platonic relationship.
But even if what keeps you platonic changes, whether or not romance will work still is up in the air.
It's natural to have sexual tension between men and women who are friends, even healthy. Problems arise when that tension grows strong enough to act. If you decide to go for it, it can be a lot of fun, but you also need to be very up front about your feelings. Do you want to pursue a relationship from this or are you looking for more casual involvement? Is this just a hookup? And how will you convey what you want to your friend?
"You have to be exceptionally honest for something like that to work," said John, a third year.
He's right. There are a lot of risks involved in kindling the flames of friendship. It is easy for one person to develop stronger feelings than the other, and in this case that person usually gets burned.
Sure, if you're the one who wants something casual, hooking up with your friend can feel convenient, comfortable and just fine.
Ryan, a fourth year, says that a friends with benefits relationship can be really fun and actually pretty easy to manage.
"When the weekdays come you can go back to being friends," he said.
But while such a relationship may feel fine for one person, it could feel like a punch in the gut for the other.
And if you're trying to maintain the "just pals" kind of interaction, then the scene post hookup can be extremely awkward.
Think, "When Harry met Sally
" post sex.
"It's always gonna be awkward the day after," John said. "There's the question of what do I do. Do I kiss this person, say goodbye as a friend, are we going to do this again."
John explains that things are more complicated because you can't just walk away and not worry about the repercussions.
"If it's your friend, you care about their feelings more," he said.
If you decide that you want more than the occasional hookup and instead pursue a relationship, then things can still be complicated.
Tracy, a fourth year, says that for her and a close friend, the biggest question was whether they were willing to take it to the next level.
"At least one person's feelings have to be strong enough to make them willing to jeopardize the relationship," she said.
She says that as the sexual tension began to mount their willingness to risk the friendship for romance increased. And when they finally did allow the friendship to become intimate, she thought the risk was well worth it.
"When it did happen, yes it was incredibly awkward, but it was also totally intense," she said.
She added, though, that despite the great connection they still had their problems. As the relationship became more intense, and though she knew they had passed the friends with benefits stage, the definition of their relationship always seemed unclear.
"We were kind of in an undeclared relationship," she said
Eventually, what did become clear was that the person just did not want to be tied down.
"He lied to me about what was going on and that was the problem," she said.
This example well demonstrates the importance of honesty in such relationships.
For Tracy, the guy told her he did not want to be seriously involved because they were just too close of friends, but she also felt that was an excuse.
"He doesn't love me," she said. "And when that realization sunk in, I was crushed."
But even in the worst of situations, it doesn't necessarily have to mean the end of a friendship.
Ryan says that the more casual the relationship has been between you two, the easier it will be to return to "just friends." And honesty will allow this transition back to friendship to occur most smoothly.
"You can definitely salvage the friendship, but you have to establish communication. If you don't do that up front then things can be very awkward and there can be a lot of hurt feelings," Ryan said.
If you have poured your emotions into the relationship only to be disappointed, maybe time is the best remedy. Even Tracy says that the wounds are beginning to heal.
Despite feeling angry now, she says in time they could be friends again.
"But I don't think that we can ever be that close again," she said.
Crossing that boundary from friends into lovers always poses a risk -- sometimes even a risk worth taking. Only you personally can decide if you'll ruin the friendship by dating.
Although, if you feel strongly enough for that person, it's not going to be a question.
Not giving those feelings a chance is going to be the greater risk.
Read More
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
Perfecting the subtle art of the ‘sexile’
By Val Vixen | December 7, 2024Approach this sacred college ritual with a newfound confidence.
Top 10 ways to ring in the holiday season in Charlottesville
By Sam Saks | December 5, 2024With temperatures down, lights up and spirits high, not even pesky final projects and exams can dampen this holiday season.
