THE PURSUIT of equality in our society has made great progress, but still it fails to cast its healing light into the darkest corners of our culture. The oppression of traditionalism has plagued the holidays for far too long, and it's way past time for the downtrodden masses to rise up against the shackles of conformity and reclaim the month of December in the name of social justice. With the vision of a more accepting and equitable society, we should all strap on our multicultural Santa hats and strive to make this holiday season a progressive one.
There clearly exist some holiday customs that should be re-examined and modified in a context compatible with the health and happiness of society as a whole.
For example, you might want to think twice about leaving out that plate of cookies for Saint Nick to munch this Christmas Eve. If Santa gets his fat rump stuck in a chimney after snacking on your sweets, he just might sue your stockings off. He wouldn't be the first overly jolly fellow can to try it, as a number of civil lawsuits recently have sprung up seeking to hold evil fast food corporations responsible for the morbid obesity of their customers.
In a July 25 article titled "Fat Americans sue fast food firms," BBC news online chronicled the tragic tale of an overweight plaintiff who had filed suit against such evil businesses as KFC, McDonald's and Burger King. The angry man, who had already suffered two heart attacks and was suffering from diabetes, described how an evil corporate plot had "enticed" him into eating unhealthily. "I always thought it was good for you," he explained. "I never thought there was anything wrong with it." Apparently he had failed to notice the hundreds of pounds hanging from his skeleton, the two cardiac arrests that had hospitalized him and the chronic insulin deficiency that was attacking his body.
The point to be extracted from this tragic tale of unfettered corporate greed is this: by leaving milk and cookies out on your table, you are killing Santa. You clearly are to blame for perpetuating his disease of obesity, and you should be ashamed for your nefarious enticement. Either cease and desist from your malignant cookie pushing, or be prepared to hear from Mr. Claus' attorney.
Now, just because some holiday customs threaten Santa's life by enticing him to clog his arteries and devalue his body image, this doesn't mean that all holiday traditions are bad.
Take, for instance, the old saying that it's always better to give than to receive during the holidays. This saying remains valid in a socially just context, especially if you're an upper or middle class white guy who benefits daily from our nation's shameful legacy of racist, sexist and capitalist oppression. To fight the horrendous disparity that exists between the rich and the poor, drastic social programs are needed. Clearly, the best way for the rich to help motivate the poor is to give them money for free. Of course, for those greedy enough to resent forking over cash to support well-intentioned social programs, there's always the gentle prodding of the taxman. With just a slight increase in IRS auditing and jail time for tax evaders, the socioeconomic and racial injustice of our past could be washed away faster than you can say, "jingle bells!"
Speaking of race, by the way, even Santa Claus himself has the opportunity to help bring the gift of social justice to the world this Christmas season. There are no hard and fast numbers on the makeup of the staff of Santa's workshop, but it seems from all available Christmas movies and childrens' books that every worker in the North Pole, from the big man himself down to the lowest elf, are all of the same racial background. Namely, they're all Caucasian.
Anybody aware of the history of oppression that plagues our past must acknowledge that the lack of diversity in Santa's workshop is completely unacceptable. Immediate measures must be taken to ensure that the personnel employed as toy makers in the North Pole more accurately reflect a cross-section of our multicultural and multiracial world. Although it's not clear how naughty or nice Santa's elves have been this past year, let's cross our fingers and pray they find a shiny new affirmative action policy waiting under their tree this Dec. 25.
Hopefully, these few preliminary speculations on social justice have warmed your heart and given you insight into the bright future of the holiday season. With your help, we might one day make the month of December a grand celebration of nothing in particular, in which people of all shapes and sizes feel welcome. May Santa bring you an uncontrollable obsession with multiculturalism, a raging love of equality, and utter relief from all personal responsibility for the rest of your long and tolerant life.
(Anthony Dick is a Cavalier Daily Associate Editor. He can be reached at adick@cavalierdaily.com)
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