ONE YEAR ago today, I wrote a year-end column about how thankful I was to be here as a transfer student when compared to the hellish experience of freshman year at this school called Carnegie Mellon, a university located approximately 35 miles west of the 7th circle of hell. Slowly, the Web link to the column was passed between hundreds if not thousands of CMU students and alumni. The response to the column basically reinforced my belief that many of the people at CMU are cold and uncaring introverts. Though most people called for my head on a stick, many friends at the University have been asking me to write another column about CMU. But what I needed to respond to was the frequent comment that I had no right to an opinion.
Within hours of a single unnamed friend from CMU reading the column, I was deluged with numerous threats of bodily violence, received close to 100 nasty e-mails, had to turn off my cell phone to avoid the phone calls, and a number of people wrote to the newspaper outraged that I had the audacity to voice an opinion based upon my experience. Someone claiming to be from the CMU student newspaper called up to interview me and the Declaration even rewrote my column for their April Fool's Day "Caviar Daily" issue. The onslaught continued for a week, but I received nasty e-mails for the next eight months.
Apparently the biggest hit from the column was a reference to this compulsive masturbator friend of mine at CMU. This guy would turn porn on in his apartment and it could be heard on the entire floor. He loved to talk porn movie theory. One of his favorite activities was walking around in public and "squaring up" on objects, including a pole at a Pirates baseball game in front of dozens of people. I'd share more but the guy is paranoid and was deathly afraid to wear his Virginia shirt around CMU for fear that he might be recognized as my friend.
The idea was to write a column that was an efficacious posturing of a more personal tone with a critical opinion to show University students how lucky they are to be here. I can't help it if CMU provides a sterile and cold environment which breeds cruelty and introversion. CMU's current quarterback sent an e-mail in which he repeatedly called me "a journalist fag" and threatened to come down to "VU" and hurt me. Maybe I did go over the line in referring to CMU as "evil incarnate," but not that far.
Also, a lively discussion was started on a CMU Internet bulletin board and close to 100 messages riffed on the column. Oddly enough, some attacked CMU, one person claimed that "CMU is evil, but not for the reasons mentioned," one writer asked where she could find a "CMU Sucks" shirt, and the conversation slowly degenerated into a conversation on masturbation in public (I wish I were kidding about this, but I'm not). CMU has this old fence in the middle of campus that is painted and guarded every night by assorted student groups, just like Beta Bridge. One night a group made sure to paint "U.Va Sucks" on it. The webmaster at www.dumbengineer.com has nicely posted a link to a picture of the fence and a rundown of the bulletin board thread.
Apparently there were questions as to the validity of my stories, but here is one that is too bizarre to be made up. In the course of a 36-hour period my roommate flooded our bathroom, had a big pot birthday party, used my bed and essays to set up his "stuff" and reported to student services that I might have died. Apparently, he thought my loathing for the school was so extreme that I was waiting for the opportune moment when he went to the shower to lock myself in the room and take my life. For a guy who frequently opened our dorm window and yelled racial epithets out the window and liked to moon me and others, this was standard operating procedure to assume suicide. When someone acts so utterly devoid of intelligence you can't help but laugh. Even someone who's racist is entitled to his own opinion.
After all, what can you expect from a school that sanctioned a recent art graduate student to build a shanty on campus, live there for three months, attach himself to the building by rope, take no courses, remain silent and complete a variety of performance activities such as using Nordic Track equipment attached to the roof -- the whole time dressed as a lobster. He would occasionally relieve himself in private into a jar with a big label that said, "piss jug." But give him credit, he's had some serious adversity to deal with, as he was the victim of a house invasion by a few frat boys (his vow of silence even prevented him from speaking to authorities about his attackers) and was evicted by CMU after it was discovered that his shack wasn't up to fire code.
My only regret was not spending more than 20 minutes on a column that would be read by so many. Everyone at CMU felt the need to write to me because I was wrong for printing a column that shined a negative light on their school. School spirit is great, but not when it's blind spirit that resorts to intimidation and oppression of opinion. From the above paragraphs and the column last year, it can be seen that I have the experience and the right to criticize.
I have spoken to a number of people who were ecstatic to have passed on the opportunity to go to CMU, but I only know of one case in which my words convinced someone to avoid CMU. You can disagree with me but don't tell me I don't have the right to an opinion.
(Brad Cohen's column appears Thursdays in The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at bcohen@cavalierdaily.com.)
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