It's finally almost here. It took six weeks of snowstorms and midterms, but it's finally two days away. Yes, my friends, Spring Break is upon us, and as per usual I have big plans. It took a semester of eating Chef Boyardee and buying only single-ply toilet paper, but it was worth it. In a few days, I'll be sitting on the warm beach in Ft. Lauderdale, and the days of shoveling snow and pushing stuck cars will be long forgotten.
When I told my mom about my plans, she didn't think very much of them.
"I know what goes on there during spring break," she said. "I've seen commercials for those Girls Gone Wild videos ... you don't need to be going to that."
Naturally, I denied this was my reason for going -- despite my affinity for intoxicated, naked college women. Even if that were my reason, I'd be a fool to go into spring break with such lofty expectations. The sad truth is that spring break is fun, but it never quite lives up to the hype. Sound cynical to you? I don't know; I guess I don't want to set myself up for a letdown. After all, my spring break dreams have been shattered before -- by the bastards at MTV!
Now this is a long story, but it's one worth telling. It begins in February 2001. I was in my room, killing some time between classes, surfing the Internet. I came across a site called SpringBreakTravel.com, which promoted all sorts of vacation packages for spring break destinations like Jamaica and Cancun. Being the cheapskate I am, the first thing that caught my eye was a banner that asked, "Wanna go to Cancun for free? Click here!" After much deliberation, I decided that going to Cancun for free would be a good thing, so I went ahead and clicked.
That banner led me to MTV's Web site. MTV was going to be covering spring break in Cancun, and they wanted to recruit college students to participate in the pilot episode of a new dating show. They asked interested students to submit pictures of themselves online. At that time, I had a photo of myself posted on HotOrNot.com, which was getting a pretty good rating -- back in those days, you could vote for yourself. Anyway, I figured, "What the hell, I'll give this a shot."
Within 12 hours, one of the show's producers called me. I couldn't believe it.
The producer said she liked my picture and went on to explain the idea behind the show, which was music to my ears. I can't tell you how thrilled I was. The program was going to be a dating show -- one that would send me on a date with two girls at the same time. And over the course of the date, the two girls would basically fight over me until I decided which I liked best. Whichever girl I chose would be the "winner," and her "prize" would be me (awesome prize, I know). Sound familiar to you MTV junkies out there? It was eventually named "Dismissed," and it still airs from time to time.
Anyway, I ended up being one of 30 students called, and they were planning to fly 15 of us down to Cancun. To narrow the field down to 15, they asked us each to make a VHS tape about ourselves and why we each would be a good candidate for the show.
Now I'll admit, my video was pretty stupid. Its saving grace was the opening sequence, which saw me walk out of a shower in a towel, and eventually showed two towel-donning girls walk out of the same shower stall (Thanks again, Emily and Paige!). The sad part was that I had to wear heeled shoes in that scene, because both of them were a few inches taller than I am. The other sad part was that I never again would find myself in a shower stall with two girls. Unless, of course, my date on the show went that avenue...
So I mailed off my tape, excited and anxious to hear back from the producer. And I did -- two days later. She called me back to say that the show's pilot was going to be postponed due to budget cuts.
"We're just going to go ahead and shoot it in L.A. with local kids next month. Sorry to disappoint you. Have a fun spring break! If you can get down to Cancun, you're welcome to come to any of our other show tapings!"
If I can get down to Cancun? No sweat, I have a thousand dollars saved in my "Emergency Cancun Trip" account!
So, my free trip to Cancun was over before it even began. Nowadays, I'm hurting to get a date with one girl, let alone two at once. And I have MTV to blame. Thanks to them, "Girls Gone Wild" became "Sitting at Home Doing Nothing Gone Wild."
Thankfully, this year won't be such a monumental let-down because I don't think that's possible. Have a safe spring break, and if you run into any of those MTV punks, be sure to give them my "warmest" regards.
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