Think of it this way: the 2003 NCAA men's basketball tournament started Tuesday, March 18th, and the 75th annual Academy Awards ceremony is this Sunday, March 23. So the two big events -- big in the scheme of American TV ratings, anyway -- aren't all that many blocks away from each other on the calendar.
And this fact alone means that for an English major -- and a college newspaper with Arts & Entertainment closely following Sports in the B Section -- that the two must ultimately be compared. It's fated.
And so the rampant comparisons ensue. Five Hollywood stars (or films, directors, costume designers, technicians, etc) match up to the five gigantic college basketball players. They're a team, so to speak, which makes sense if we remember the speeches from Oscar winners in the past: all of Hollywood seems to be one loving "team" recently. But, after all the hype -- the LA film screenings, the Fox Sports Net and ESPN2 games, the gossip columns and the time out huddles -- only one can make the score. Only one shot counts ... and only one makes that slam-dunk.
So let's see what the starting line-ups look like this week.
Taking the court first are the nominees for Best Leading Actor -- quite a group of recruits, considering that Adrien Brody is the only one who hasn't previously won (or been nominated for) an Oscar. These guys are already All-State, National Champions or First Team USA. Nicholas Cage tries to dribble circles around the rest, playing both Charlie and Donald Kaufman, twin brothers from "Adaptation." Daniel Day-Lewis is a physical threat and likely choice for a foul penalty as Bill "The Butcher" Cutting from "Gangs of New York." Brody quietly plays the court (or Chopin) as Wladyslaw Szpilman from "The Pianist." Michael Caine -- Thomas Fowler from "The Quiet American" -- never strays much further than backcourt (which, ironically, is pretty much where he is in Hollywood). Which leaves the crowd depending on Jack Nicholson, playing Warren Schmidt from "About Schmidt."
Yes, this is Nicholson's 12th Academy Award nomination ... and yes, he's already won three (for "As Good As It Gets," "Terms of Endearment" and "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"). But here, playing a man whose retirement sends him into a spiraling depression, he makes a slam-dunk. Nicholson's at his best when he's playing quirky, inexplicable characters -- think "Chinatown" now as well -- and he's really hit his prime.
After Nicholson's dunk, the team files off the court and the next set of starters has been put in (the coach, of course, being host Steve Martin). And this time, we have the women for Best Leading Actress. Selma Hayek is far more concerned with the painted lines on the floorboards and as Frida Kahlo from "Frida," she doesn't have a chance of scoring. Diane Lane, Connie Sumner from "Unfaithful," is lusting a little too much after the gorgeous, young male cheerleaders. Julianne Moore -- Cathy Whitaker from "Far from Heaven" -- doesn't really leave the bench for this one, with the understanding that she'll take the court for the Best Supporting Actress Award ("The Hours").
Which leaves the crowd watching Nicole Kidman (Virginia Woolf, "The Hours") and Renee Zellweger (Roxie Hart, "Chicago") vying for the net. Zellweger steps back and Kidman scores. It's been her year and the screams from the crowd are all hers.
Julianne Moore retakes the court for Best Supporting Actress as Laura Brown from "The Hours," and scores a fast dunk. She'd be hard pressed to come into Oscar night with two phenomenal films and two nominations and leave without an award for the better of the two. Meryl Streep makes a fast run for it but falls just short as Susan Orlean from "Adaptation." One has to wonder why she's wearing this jersey when she could also have donned the team colors from "The Hours." Queen Latifah and Catherine Zeta-Jones ("Chicago") just don't quite have the past history to pull this one off. The crowd can barely remember that they're nominated, much less know the name to scream from the bleachers.
Which brings us back to the men ... where there's no question that Ed Harris (Richard Brown, "The Hours") leads the team. After bouncing the ball off the rim -- nearly scoring -- with "Pollack," "The Truman Show" and "Apollo 13," this shot is nothing but net.
Unfortunately, as the nominees for Best Picture take the court, the coaches call a time out. This could just mean that it's a commercial break for the network ... but the call has yet to be made. "Chicago" sings (and tap dances) its heart out as this year's phenomenal musical remake (following "Moulin Rouge"). "Gangs of New York" and "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" vie for Hollywood heavyweight title, each of them pulling in the numbers at the box office. "The Hours" redoes the 1950s woman's picture with glory, three of the best actresses in Hollywood and a classic literature reference. And "The Pianist" follows in the teary wake of Holocaust films preceding it (namely "Schindler's List" and "Life is Beautiful," both Oscar winners). So when the clock buzzes, who's made the basket?
And we're still on commercial break here ... until this Sunday, when ABC hosts the 75th annual Academy Awards, beginning at 8:30 p.m. But in between the NCAA games (lasting all weekend), check to see who's taking the court for Hollywood, and who's ultimately making that slam-dunk.
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