THOUGH the season won't officially end for another 27 days, the summer of 2003 is fading fast. In years past, the splendid sunny season usually acquired some sort of moniker to distinguish itself from any ordinary summer. Recently, 2001 gave us the "Summer of the Shark," which was more caused by media sensationalism than an actual outbreak of shark attacks. Many dubbed last summer the "Summer of Fear," as the nation was less than one year removed from September 11 attacks. Indeed the government did do little to calm fears, beginning the summer with the implementation of the color-coded alert system and ending the summer stationing Avenger missile systems around Washington, D.C.
The summer of 2003 brought many newsworthy and non-newsworthy events. Yet when examined closely, the events of this summer lead to one shocking conclusion: The end of the world must surely be upon us.
The first warning sign came early in the summer as a deluge of rainfall saturated the East Coast during May and June. During Final Exercises, it was rumored President John T. Casteen III handed out life jackets instead of diplomas on the Lawn. At some points during June, it looked like the constant rain was going to reach biblical proportions. Indeed at Dulles Airport, for the first time in history it rained more than eight inches in consecutive months. A New York City pedestrian summed it up best when he said, "I think if it doesn't stop soon I'm going to have webbed feet."
Meanwhile, across the pond, Europeans suffered under a scorching heat wave. On August 10th Britain recorded its hottest temperature ever, a sizzling 37.4 degrees Celsius. Maybe it's just me, but 100 degrees Fahrenheit seems a whole lot sexier than 37.4 degrees Celsius. The best story to come out of the heat wave mess was that of Mike Ball of London, England. Mr. Ball suffered frostbite on two of his toes after keeping his left foot under the A/C vent in his car during a 250-mile trip to Manchester. When asked why he placed his bare foot under the A/C vent Mr. Ball gave the only logical explanation: "It was incredibly hot."
Back in the USA, the surest sign that the apocalypse is near came in the form of the California gubernatorial recall debacle. While the recall election is a wonderful example of democracy, or some weird offshoot of democracy in action, many of the candidates are less than ideal. Sure, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Cruz Bustamante and Peter Ueberroth (all three of whom have last names that wreck havoc on spellchecker) are all seemingly qualified, seemingly moral individuals; but what about smut peddler Larry Flynt or Mary Carey, an accomplished film star -- adult film star, that is. Carey recently offered a dinner date to anyone who gave more than $5,000 to her campaign. Don't worry though; campaign aide Jayson Helgeson assured reporters that any dinner date would be "like a normal date." Right, because dates with adult film stars are always "normal."
The summer of 2003 has also brought the sad story of Ted Williams. Straight out of a science fiction novel, Sports Illustrated reported last week the grisly details of Williams' postmortem days. The frozen, cracked head of the Red Sox Hall of Famer allegedly now lies in a steel can while the rest of body floats in a liquid-nitrogen-filled steel canister. The whole situation is creepy: freezing a body and a head in the hopes of bringing them back to life one day. The fact that humanity now may engage in this practice is another sign that the end must be near. Honestly though, here's hoping Williams finally gets to rest in peace one day.
Just when it looked like the summer of 2003 would end without any more ominous signs, "The Blackout" hit. Fifty million people were plunged into darkness, thousands were trapped in hot subway cars and elevators and hundreds of tons of food rotted. There really isn't a surer sign that Judgment Day is coming than when a fifth of the population is suddenly plunged into utter darkness. If the blackout was representative of the apocalypse, it did look kind of fun. Citizens had a chance to direct traffic; people threw "blackout parties" and the whole event provided street vendors with an awesome t-shirt slogan.
This summer a portion of one continent experienced two months of biblical downpours while another continent endured its worst heat wave in recorded history. In California, a porn star is running for Governor while in Arizona an American icon lays in two frozen steel containers. And just when you thought it was safe the worst blackout in American history struck. All is not lost, though. Just make sure you go to your church, temple or local mosque this weekend -- and read my column every week.
(Joe Schilling is a Cavalier Daily columnist. He can be reached at jschilling@cavalierdaily.com.)
Read More
EDITORIAL: Carla Williams deserves her seat at the table
By Editorial Board | 6 hours agoLooking beyond basketball and football reveals that Virginia Athletics is, in many ways, thriving.
UPADHYAYA: The Great and not-so-Good sides of U.Va.’s 2030 housing plan
By Apal Upadhyaya | 2 days agoInstead of improving the dire state of existing infrastructure, however, the University has shifted attention away from it and chosen to expand.
EDITORIAL: Support low-barrier shelters in Charlottesville
By Editorial Board | 3 days agoInvesting in low-barrier shelters now will pay off in increased stability for the homeless, which will undoubtedly improve the safety of shelters and the community writ large.
