Like the enigmatic odor of the Castle, there is a cryptic tale that wafts from the mouths of the ramen noodle-praising first years. It is a tale that drives the Bonneycastle bunnies to take pulls from the bottles of Beam that they hide in their underwear drawer. (They believe that camouflaging bourbon under piles of bikini briefs exemplars their innate genius that the admissions officer's mouths watered over. E=MC2.)
And a fabricated fable it seemed until last Saturday morning, when EFY (Easiest First Year) confirmed the hair-raising truth after peddling her new fourth-year quasi-pseudo-beaux back to his house on her Schwinn 10-speed. (Anyone could see by the way he rode on the swerving handlebars, and his dropping bloodshot eyes, that the sparks of late night lust surely had been ignited.)
It was the truth of University Circle, home of her kinda-sorta-seeing-only-only-when-the-sun-is-down guy and his old, wise fourth-year counterparts.
Now Efy was no idiot, in spite of her tendency to bite it down flights of stairs. She knew the facts of life. Birds. Bees. Flowers. Trees and even that Jeramiah was a Bullfrog. But never until she saw its residents rocking in camping chairs under the shade of the magnolia trees, had first year Efy seen the future of her own college mortality.
"The wise old fourth years spoke of strange things," Efy reported back to Humphreys, in a frazzled rice-crispy treat binging state. "Back to a time when they were young, when printing was free and they frequented at this spot called "The Greenskeeper."
"A demolished country club," informed Richmond buds Chip, Biff and Teddy simultaneously (those Richmond first years are always so in the know) as they attempted to sever their umbilical cords that will keep them together for the rest of their college careers.
"Gather round. Kumbaya." sang Efy, packing a bowl of Golden Grahams. "Get out from what ever egg crate you've been hiding under, and enter...
Shady Magnolia Community, a rundown smorgasbord of villas, along the coast of University Circle. Residence of fourth years you know, don't want to know or never have seen before.
The Early Birds
Find these ravenous fourth year males at Coups before six, not for the two for one chicken etoufee, but instead the catch of the day. No, you don't have to trust seafood at an establishment where Benny Dodd has not been refrigerated properly.
From the waters of the AFC, the management has reeled in young fresh girls, all cuts and weights to please any guy's palate. They are more scrumptious than the Tamari steak!
And if they're gentlemanly enough to flip through their wallets to check for legal age (that's older then Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen mind you); don't be fooled by the ID of a 37 year old Tulsa Oklahoma woman.
Dirty Old Sugar Daddies
Some think its their Ben-gay/Old Spice allure that makes the Bonnycastle bunnies come a hopping to get some of their sweet lovin'. Others suspect it is their eye for spotting style on the McCormick runway, in one Dirty Daddy's comment, "Those new ruffle, tennis, mini-skirt things all the girls are wearing are the hottest thing ever."
Yet the truth of the matter is the knowledge they've gained from best told in the lyrics of Good Charlotte:
"Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money. Boys will laugh at girls when they're not funny."
Translation: They splurge 50 cents more and get the girl an Amstel.
Ex-Debutant Future Homemakers of America
Along with drooling over Bob Barker when he demonstrates his pro Plinko skills, these fourth years are thrilled by the blond couture master Carson, from the Bravo/NBC smash hit "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," due to the way he so affectionately tucks in the fashion victim shirts. They bide the rest of their time painting walls in salsa red and mango orange and worrying that their ring fingers' are getting kind of chilly.
Dick Clark's Rockin' to the Oldies
By day he is a golfer. Sedate, illusive, he treats himself to lemonades in-between Birdwood birdies. Yet when the night falls on University Circle/Shady Magnolia Community, he catches Karaoke Wednesday Night Fever.
With "Eye of the Tiger" and voice more powerful than the head of a Big Bertha can muster, he revels in Wham's "Wake me up before you go go ..." and does the "Jitterbug, Jitterbug," (One hit wonder?)
Pill crushers
There is no need to hide their medicine in applesauce; this bloody-nosed crowd is always the life of the social hubbub. Esteemed veterans of second year's tortures, they thrill in such activities as pulling out bingo balls.
Coo Coo Cachoo Mrs. Robinsons
The bed breaks and the cradle falls when these fourth year seductresses put an ax to the double standard and follow the motto of their favorite remake song: Crosby Stills Nash Young "Love the First Year You're With." Little guys, O-Hill Brunch Omelets.Well, at least they got some ice-milk out of the deal.
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