When I first began writing for the The Cavalier Daily as "the relationship girl," I started to look around at the relationships on Grounds as inspiration for topics, since I myself am single. Yet, I have found that this place is one of the most difficult to find material because the majority of us are not in a definable relationship.
Some of us girls don't have any guys on our call logs, some of us have groups of guy friends and others have a consistent person they hook up with. Not that any of these situations are different from any other university in the country, but as the targeted advice giver for those of us in a relationship, I am speechless. How can I offer my advice, wrap it up and give you a bimonthly gift if there is no box to begin with?
I myself am guilty of this phenomenon. I have had guy friends who essentially are surrogate emotional boyfriends. I have gone on dates with people and always wondered how attached or casual the relationship is or should be. I have called young men my "friends" when I quite obviously (obvious to me and to the 900 people who had to hear me talk about him) didn't consider him among the platonic relationships I have with other guys.
I, like most of you, understand that we cannot meet someone and within five minutes know we want to share our lives with him, tell him our feelings and call it a day. I also understand that the fairy tale knight on a white horse simply is not going to arrive at the threshold of my apartment with flowers and a relationship.
I also must admit that I like the thrill of the first meeting, getting-to-know-you phase of dating that holds no expectations and no title. Nevertheless, I do have a problem with the ambiguity that starts to drive us mad when we've gotten to know and have nothing to show.
This mystery, at first attractive and exciting, turns to uncertainty. People feel themselves becoming attached and cannot fathom being vulnerable, so they try to ignore their feelings and remain casual toward the other person and their emotions.
Not to mention that there is nothing more awkward or painful than the DTR (defining the relationship conversation). How many of us really enjoy bringing our emotions and concerns to the table with someone who may totally shoot us down? And the conversation itself sucks, reminding me of when I was in the sixth grade and a boy asked me flat out, "Will you go out with me?"
(Note: We were more direct about what we wanted from people pre-puberty than we are now; are we regressing in our ability to be honest about our desires as we progress in life? Maybe it's the fact that we are too scared to take a risk ... But that's an entirely different column).
But is continuing a relationship life without definitions keeping us from defining our feelings to ourselves?
Recently, I have encountered people who have relationships with the opposite sex that are strongly emotional (and more often than not, physical), with outsiders placing bets on where the wedding will be. These people consider themselves "more than friends" but not "dating." And it's that somewhere in the middle, that indefinable emotional inferno that keeps each party uncertain as to where he or she stands with the other, and inevitably one's self.
The lack of expectations keeps a person on her toes, wondering why he hasn't called, if it is understandable that he is going on a date with someone else and what "rights" he has with other people. And she knows she has no "right" to get mad if any of his behavior hurts her, but the fact remains that she is hurt.
Without definitions, we have no argument and without an argument, how do we come to justify our feelings on the one hand that conflict with the lack of a technicality on the other?
One would have to assume there are two answers: 1) suck it up and table the issue, define it and move on or 2) (the most popular one to date) continue the ambiguity and take a much larger risk in hurting someone or being hurt yourself when inherent expectations in any close relationship are not met.
It's a pretty simple concept: You are either in a relationship or you're not.
We're all pretty smart kids, and if you're not, you were smart enough to convince someone you were. So between our intellect and our ability to manipulate, we should be able to take a moment to look at the people in our lives and respect them enough to be honest as to what we want, whether it's certain rights that come with a title or nothing at all.
And at the end of the day, we have to admit that playing the pre-relationship game, with all it's intricacies, may seem fun for a while, but pretty soon you realize it's just an extremely complicated game of tag, you've broken a sweat, and you're ready to go home -- whether or not you take your teammate with you is your call.
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