All great men have great dreams. All hygienically-challenged, "Old School" quoting, college boys do not. Yet from the snow-trodden hills of Dartmouth to the Pacific-rimmed land of Stanford to our very own Jeffersonian utopia, there is a common fantasy -- a bond among the male specie which is tighter than any tube-top first-year girls bust out on a nippy Friday night.
It is the dream -- no, more of a guy's innate fanatical obsession -- to be the peanut butter in a sandwich of teeny-bopper lust.
Deny as they might, it is time for all college guys and dirty old men alike to fess up. I'll make it easy for them. Repeat. "I (enter guy name) desire nothing more than to have and to hold, for better or worse, in sickness and in heath, till the morning do they part, both Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen."
How long does it take to get to the center of the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen phenomenon? Let's find out.
After extensive research, I have fabricated a theory: Olsen twins mania stems from early 1980s airings of the double mint gum commercial, where those two blond bombshells play tennis and bike their way though minty breath paradise. Never mind the sexual symbols in the clouds of Disney movies that those frenzied carpool moms rally against. Those subliminal messages are pure child's play compared to the "Double your pleasure, double your fun" message that the gum mantra ingrained into the minds of impressionable 6-year-old boys during commercial breaks -- commercial breaks for none other than TGIF's Full House, featuring the beloved dually-cast Michelle Tanner. Coincidence? I think not.
Though once portrayed as the cutesy Michelle Tanner known for her "You got it, dude" shtick with Uncle Jesse, Hollywood glam soon took hold.
The September issue of Rolling Stone captures the true essence of how the Olsen twins Titans have taken a turn from the ABC network's angelic values on to a rebellious exit.
Shot in black and white, the Rolling Stone pic features the twins in gauzy dress-up couture, coked-out eye make-up and a strand of pearls dangling between's each twin's teeth.
Yet accolades rain from college guy fans, who feel the twins' hotness is attributed to the fact that "They look just like little dolls!" Who knew the non-verbal capacity thing was in. And to think, I thought the whole pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen image was antiquated.
Well, if it is dolls they want, it is dolls they should have. The Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen dolls are ready, waiting on shelves, willing to come home with any guy who heads over to Wal-Mart.
To establish a bit more virtual intimacy, he should also add the new Aqua-fresh Mary-Kate and Ashley toothpaste to his cart. The twins hate morning breath.
Continuing with the shopping spree, one can't forget to check out the Olsen chart rocking albums -- "Brother for Sale" and "I'm the cute one." (According to unreliable sources, Ashley is the cute one, Mary-Kate is just her sister).
Here's a fictional account about how one University male spent his last Saturday night.
After his Mary-Kate and Ashley action figures performed a dramatic reenactment of DJ's catfight with their neighbor Kimmey, he propped MK and A up on his pillow and slipped in their straight to DVD release, "How the West was Fun."
He told them that if they let him brush their hair, they could stay up late and watch their 1995 release, "The Case of the Mystery Cruise."
Reportedly, as of June, the home-movie star-sensations were worth $150 million each. Can you say Sugar Mamas?
"The clever thing about the Olsen Twins is that they've managed to market themselves to 12-year-old girls and dirty old men at the same time. That's quite a dynamic," comments an anonymous fourth-year guy, and lifelong Mary-Kate and Ashley fanatic. I found him rummaging though the $5 Olsen Twin DVD bin at Wal-mart under the guise that he was picking out something for "his little sister."
Yet how long are the twins titans going to be able to stay in the "E! True Hollywood Story: The Young, the Rich, the Famous," spotlight until they get burned -- or burned out? Bars now feature countdowns until the girls turn 18 June 13, yet while some men may raise a glass to Mary-Kate and Ashley's birthday, braver ones will raise the dreaded question: "Will they make it to mainstream cinema?"
"Of course," the guys will say, staring into their frothy brew, fantasizing of R-rated blockbusters to come. Double Double your excitement.
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