This week I wanted to start by paying tribute to Bill Simmons, a.k.a. The Sports Guy on ESPN.com Page Two. He is one of my favorite writers, and many people I know who also read his column have noticed a bunch of similarities and love pointing them out to me, so it's interesting to see how his writing style has come out in me. Anyway, to begin this week, I wanted to post an example of the true genius which is Bill Simmons. From one of the Sports Guy's e-mails, from his Aug. 15, 2003 mailbag column, "Straight to the Sports Guy's heart."
4"Q: What would be the best sports equivalent to that moment when you're talking to an attractive woman who you think you're hitting it off with, and she casually mentions her boyfriend mid-sentence, and you have to keep the conversation moving without showing disappointment? -- Jarrett Fischer, Virginia Beach, Va.
SG: Losing a no-hitter. No question. You're cruising along, all your pitches are working, you're trying not to get ahead of yourself, you're taking it one batter at a time, the crowd's getting behind you ... and then she casually throws out the boyfriend, like a piping-hot stake in the heart. And you have to regroup mentally, finish the conversation and pretend that you're not even remotely rattled. Even though you're reeling inside."
(Doesn't that sound just like losing a no-hitter? And why do women relish doing that to us so much? It's like they teach a class for this stuff somewhere.)
Anyway, I really recommend you read some of his stuff. And now, why not some more Simpsons to aid in my attempts to distract you during class....
4And, as choice of drinks, we have Mountain Dew or crab juice.
-- EWWWW! I'll take crab juice ...
Chick-Fil-A; your chicken sandwiches are beyond belief delicious. I will not deny this. But please, for the love of all things decent in this world, enough with the pickles in the sandwich. What brainchild decided that the duo of chicken and pickles was necessary?
I mean, it would be understandable if you guys were adding the works to the sandwiches; then I could just ask for plain. If the only topping on you sandwiches is a pickle, why not put it on the side? But noooooooo. You have to put it in my sandwich, and then all the pickle juices corrupt a perfectly good piece of chicken. The chicken and bun have supernatural absorption powers and end up having more pickle flavor than the pickle itself. Do you know how much barbecue sauce I have to use to cover that taste? All the money you guys think you're saving up by pre-adding the pickle is counteracted by my consumption of multiple containers of BBQ sauce.
4Kids! From now on there are three ways of doing things: the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way! ...
Why is there no 24-hour all night pillow store? I feel like this is essential to the continuance of our society. I mean, the obvious benefit is those nights when I just can't get comfortable with any pillows. But that's beside the point. The real issue at hand here is, what happens when a group of sorority girls decide to have one of their underwear/lingerie pillow fights, and they don't have enough pillows? Under no circumstances should this ever happen.
4Barney's movie had heart, but "Football in The Groin" had a football in the groin. ...
Currently in search of a few offensive linemen from the football team in search of a way to make some money on the side. Basically, I need blockers when I go to bars and at parties. Just a few guys who tower over everyone and will lead the way for me through the crowds to the promise land.
4Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history! From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!. ...
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo dooDoo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo dooDoo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo dooDoo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo dooDoo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo(na na na na na na na na na)Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo(na na na na na na na na na)na na na na na na na na na(Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo) ...
Yup. You guessed it. The theme to Nickelodeon's Doug.
4Well if it isn't the leader of the weiner patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons! ... I wanted to write a note to Swig the other day during class. So I started writing it, and then I was like, man, forget this, it's taking too long. I need something quicker. Something instant, if you will. So, I took out a piece of paper and wrote "Instant Message from asmitty97" on top, and then wrote a message and passed it to him. I am that cool.
4Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again! It's so illegal! Remember when you were stalking Charles Karault because you thought he dug up your garden? ...
Is it just me, or is Tinkerbell guilty of just about every kidnapping law there is? I mean, she just goes around London snatching up kids who happen to not have an adult around.
Furthermore, you know she's gotta be guilty of violating a few child labor laws here and there in that Never Never Land place of hers (how exactly did they manage to fly through space with no oxygen again?) that the movies just "happened" to leave out.
4Eww. This place has got old man stink! ... They need to make a gym for the Smitty's of the world. I'm 150 pounds and can max out on the bench press at, like, 110 if I'm lucky. Do you know what it's like walking through the AFC and seeing these 250 pound dudes with wrists thicker than my head? I seriously could run full speed into one of these guys and he wouldn't budge, probably wouldn't even feel it. One of these days I will have my comeuppance.
Ideas, thoughts, silliness? Send email to smitty@cavalierdaily.edu
Read More
Holding onto every grain in the hourglass
By Mai Hukuoka | 4 hours agoNow that I’m back at school, I have made it my mission to take note of the sneaky passage of time.
Students brave the cold for a whirlwind sorority rush
By Mia Tan | 2 days agoStudents recount a mix of emotions from rush, with some disappointed after dropping from the recruitment process and others ecstatic to join Greek life.
Top 10 ways to avoid burnout this semester
By Sam Saks | 3 days agoAs you settle into this semester, try implementing these 10 tactics to take care of yourself and wave goodbye to burnout.
