A matter of grave importance faces our community. It is the alarming decline of streaking as the pastime of American college students. While visiting my girlfriend at the University of Pennsylvania last weekend I discovered that, despite the existence of a perfectly good "streaking quad," eight out of ten Penn students that I surveyed said they will not streak by the time they graduate.
In a related survey seven out of ten Penn students are giant wonks.
Though streaking still stands at the heart of a Jeffersonian education, one cannot help but look at the numbers and fear that anti-streaking sentiment soon will spread beyond the campuses of a few backwards institutions and infect even our beloved University.
Distressed by my experiences with the students at Penn, I further investigated the streaking issue in a discussion with a security guard at the Upper Quad Gate. His insight proved invaluable in discovering the roots of widespread aversion to public nudity among the student body.
A-J: So, I've noticed that not many people like to streak here.
Hank "Gatekeeper" Bryant eating a Philly Cheesesteak and doing other things that Philadelphians do: Yup.
A: With all your expertise in keeping gates, do you have a guess as to why this is?
H: Probably because people don't want me to see them naked. (weird grin)
A: Ah
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