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Berzerk ratings for Berkeley

LAST WEEK, University of Maryland President C.D. Mote, Jr. caused quite a stir down in these parts by describing the University's number one public university ranking as "ridiculous." Specifically, what's ridiculous, according to Mote, is our tie for the coveted spot with the University of California-Berkeley, apparently a far better school and Mote's own alma mater.

Well, I've decided I agree with you, Mr. Mote. It is indeed ridiculous that the University shares the number one spot with UC-Berkeley. We should actually have the spot all to ourselves.

Why is it that the University is consistently equated with Berkeley? The University of Virginia should, in fact, be the only number one public university in the country.

Warning: the following list of facts, comparisons, and general information may be offensive to people with no sense of humor, especially if you happen to be from Berkeley or have a particular affection for the school. I suggest these people stop reading now and save me the trouble of sorting through lots of angry letters.

Why U.Va. Kicks Berkeley's Behind

For starters, we here at the University of Virginia actually enjoy attending this school. The freshmen retention rate ranks as the second highest in the nation at 97 percent. Berkeley doesn't even make the top ten. A simple Google search of "Berkeley sucks" reveals several Web pages of Berkeley students themselves who hate their own school. Sad.

The University's overall graduation rate ranks sixth in the nation at 92 percent. Poor Berkeley trails behind at 82 percent. I guess that other 18 percent were too busy staging some kind of inane but politically hip protest to go to class.

One of Mote's criticisms of the University was its "high" tuition rates. Well, perhaps if we received more funding from our state, we, too, could have lower tuition rates like Berkeley, who receives 36 percent of their funding from the state of California (www.berkeley.edu). We, however, can't rely on our state for much help, as we only receive 14 percent of our funding from the Commonwealth according to the University's Web site.

It's a good thing, then, that our alumni like this school more than Berkeley's alumni like their school. Our alumni giving rate is 27 percent, while Berkeley's is only 14 percent. Or perhaps University of Virginia graduates just make more money. Who knows?

Also, we are a geographically-friendly school. Almost a third of undergraduate students at the University are from somewhere other than Virginia. Berkeley, however, doesn't like "outsiders." Only 11 percent of its undergraduates are non-Californians. Some people may point out that California is a bigger state than Virginia and therefore generates a larger in-state applicant pool. Berkeley, however, is almost twice the size of the University. Surely they could accommodate a few more of us lowly non-Californians.

But enough statistics. Let's examine, say, famous graduates of these two fine schools.

The University boasts such famous attendees as President Woodrow Wilson, Robert Kennedy, Ted Kennedy, Katie Couric and Edgar Allan Poe (who only left because he couldn't pay for his education anymore -- because of the high tuition rates, I suppose).

Berkeley's famous alumni include two men who ran for president and lost and the guy who played the Beaver on "Leave it to Beaver." Enough said.

The University also seems like a much more fun place to be than Berkeley. Charlottesville boasts one of the highest number of restaurants and bars per capita of any city in the United States. Which generally translates as Charlottesville = lots of fun.

On the Web site of the City of Berkeley, a gym is listed as one of the "places of interest." I'm not kidding. A gym.

And don't be fooled by the idea that Berkeley is located in San Francisco. No, no, no. It's located in the city of Berkeley, which has some crime and some drugs and a gym, apparently, and not much else. Charlottesville is way better.

So thank you, Mr. Mote, of the 32-spots-behind-U.Va.-in-the-overall-rankings University of Maryland, for opening my eyes. Thank you for pointing out that it is quite outlandish for the University of Virginia to share a place with Berkeley. Thank you for allowing us to realize that the University of Virginia is, indeed, the best university. Ever.

(Kristin Brown's column appears Wednesdays in The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at kbrown@cavalierdaily.com.)

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