Ihave many archenemies in life: Anne Heche, Carrot Top, Celine Dion, Rocky Five and Green Ketchup, to name a few.But none of these beings hold any true power. I mean, they're bad, but they can be ignored. And with that, I present to you?
The Downfall of Society
There is a crisis brewing in our country right now. It is the result neither of economic nor foreign policy, but of one man. He is an unscrupulous, determined man who on a day-to-day (or at least night-to-night) basis continues to plague our culture. If this man is not stopped, I envision the downfall of society occurring soon.
I speak, of course, of the bathroom attendant.
He lurks in the bathrooms of popular bars and nightclubs on high volume nights in cities across the country, waiting by the sink with a supply of various soaps, towels, gums, mints and other such items. He jumps at the sight of bathroom patrons, turning on water, handing a towel or offering any of his other services and hoping for an additional dollar or two to add to his ever present pile of singles.
I have witnessed first hand, both through personal experience and through others in the bathroom, the effect this person has on others. You see, I would rather leave the bathroom without washing my hands than be forced to tip a guy who turns on water for me. I'm already paying minimum of $4 per drink ($11 on South Beach), and I don't need this. I can turn on the water by myself. A stick of gum will not hide the smell or taste of tequila. I have the opposable thumbs necessary to operate a soap dispenser.
To the bathroom attendant, you are the little bunny cowering in the corner and he is the big bear with claws thinking, "How am I supposed to kill this bunny, how am I supposed to kill this bunny?" while you are completely defenseless with your zipper down at the urinal. The second he senses your attempt to retreat, he pounces. There's no option, his way or the highway. I know which option to choose. We all do.
Guys would rather walk out of a bathroom and accept the consequences of what they've been doing, than turn to this attendant. Think of the biological warfare of guys not washing their hands this will unleash upon us.
It is helpful to look to the Ghostbusters in describing this situation:
Peter Venkman: This city is headed for a disaster of Biblical proportion.
Mayor: What do you mean, "Biblical?"
Raymond Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath-of-God type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky, rivers and seas boiling --
Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes --
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the graves!
Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!
Now do we even need to get into the pure awkwardness that having another guy in the bathroom provides? Just sitting there in front of the sink as we use the facilities, watching and judging. In small bathrooms there's no room for another person. Having to use various side-steps, spin dodges and head fakes to get by him while at the same time avoiding urinals, sinks and other much stronger dudes around me can prove quite difficult, especially when intoxicated. It's like returning a punt -- with a lower success rate, and horrible, horrible consequences if you don't make it through the defense.
If this bathroom attendant really wants to help society and get money from me at the same time: How about a clean (I'm talking 409 spray, Lysol and a fresh mint) toilet and stall every time I walk in to the bathroom? How about keeping some girls in bikinis around? Maybe he could read me some news off ESPN.com while I'm waiting to do my thing. Just don't go helping me unbutton my pants.
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