It only took me two weeks at the University my first year to find a guy I wanted to date.
As one of my best friends said to me last year, I am always up to something (and I am). So, I did the typical girl things that would help me get this guy to like me. Or so I thought.
I made sure I looked especially cute when I went to his fraternity (which was getting harder to do each weekend as the freshman 15 started to pile on ... don't act like you don't know what I am talking about); I made sure I was always at the library when I thought he would be sitting in the strategic spot at Clemons (first floor, table next to the door), I kept myself in his line of sight and tried my best to grab his attention.
Needless to say, I failed.
As I think back on this ridiculous-but-typical first-year behavior, I am totally embarrassed -- but not surprised. For 19 years I have been a control freak and have tried to have power over the majority of my life, instead of allowing it to happen.
I have wanted to change everything in my life from my hair color to my emotions, and invariably, my relationships. I have tried to make the bad ones good and the good ones even better, never satisfied with what I have at any given moment.
I am a forward thinker.
And I am no different than any other person here.
We all are guilty of it, or else we wouldn't be students at one of the most competitive schools in the country. All of us want to be the best at our vocation, the top person in our club or volunteer group, even the cutest girl or most ripped guy in school (which I have noticed is hard to achieve, seeing as there are a ridiculous amount of gorgeous people here).
Not to say that our ambition is bad. In fact, it can be valuable. Without it we wouldn't have world leaders, incredible literature, beautiful art or the Florida Marlins.
But at the same time, if we were to abandon our obsessive tendencies to control everything, we might find that we don't have as many relationship problems (or problems leading up to a relationship).
Whether you believe in God, fate or a totally random universe, the fact remains that all of us know from our experience of not getting what we want that there is another force at work in the world, a force stronger than us. And in the scope of relationships, this force becomes even greater because you aren't simply battling yourself and an ideal of the relationship but also the experience, feelings and location of another person or people.
So at some point it becomes necessary to let go. We have to accept the fact that there will be times in our relationships where we look at our boyfriend or girlfriend and see that no matter how hard we try to "make it work," the fact remains that we can't make anything happen. Circumstances, whether physical or emotional, simply won't allow it.
Most of us have had the experience, I am sure, of desperately wanting a love from high school or the summer to last through distance or the changes we inevitably face in college. Yet distance, school and the myriad of phases we are destined to go through challenge the relationship. As great as the relationship once was or could be, it becomes a victim of circumstance.
Some of us swear that we have already met our future mate, but the time or place of our lives is not ready for that person. Maybe he lives in a different state, has too many things going on in his life or loves his frat so much that he needs time to emerge from his beer-and-boy coma before he is ready to be the guy with the girlfriend.
It also can be argued the other way, that there is no benefit to pushing a potential relationship too far too fast. Relationships take time to develop, and we only end up hurting ourselves when we try to speed up this natural evolution of feelings. Not to mention the fact that trying to take a relationship to the next level before it's time only leads to frustration and sadness when time proves itself to be unyielding to our wants.
None of this is to say, of course, that we are uninvolved totally in our own lives. We have to make decisions as to what we want from a relationship and what is good or detrimental for our hearts and act accordingly. Life and love are not perfect. We do have to invest or cash in our chips in every aspect -- to an extent. Yet, there is a difference between the reaction to circumstance and the creation of circumstance.
When we try to change the circumstances in order to gain what we think we want or we imagine is best for us, all we find is we have wasted time in our manipulation of what is so obviously true: Sometimes, and I sigh as I admit this to myself and all of you, we can't get what we want no matter how hard we try. Period.
And most of the time we just need to realize that if we stop thinking, chill out, let go and live for the moment we are in instead of the one we want, we may actually enjoy what we have right in front of us. Then we can rest with the idea that whatever is meant to happen will and it will be the best for us.
If I have learned anything in the past few months, I have found that love will come to or leave us when the timing is right. No matter how much we believe we have met the perfect person for us and curse the fact that he lives too far away to drive, has a quasi-girlfriend (or a serious girlfriend), doesn't want to commit, etc., there comes a point where we will wake up and realize we are wasting our time, emotions and energy, which yields stress when we hope for a love to come from an obviously hopeless situation.
On this same morning, we may find we can relax in the fact that whatever force you believe in will work for you today, as it always has. And then you won't have to stress out about the perfect library outfit, how to get rid of the girlfriend without breaking a law or how to afford the expense of a plane ticket to wherever that person is.
Instead, your only stress could be whether or not you get the classes you want for next semester, and as we all know, the force behind that dreaded fate always answers a resounding and miserable "CLASSES FULL"
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