I'm sorry, but what in the name of Joe Pesci's green earth is wrong with northerners? Do you people not realize there is a land full of beautiful people, sunshine, warmth and beaches available to you year-round called Miami? What could make you want to put yourselves through winter year-in, year-out? Horrible slush, snow and ice, having to wear, like, eight layers just to go to the store. I remember taking days off from high school down south if the weather ever dropped to 55 degrees. My winter break involved three trips to South Beach, multiple days out boating, kite surfing and playing wiffle ball on actual grass.
As Dave Barry recently wrote in his 12/7/03 column, "A Forest Of Lights Can Only Mean That It's Christmas In Miami," I love Christmas in Miami. Oh, sure, it's not like Christmas up north. We don't have Jack Frost nipping at our nose: We have Harvey Heat Rash nipping at our underwear regions. And we never look outside on Christmas morning to discover that the landscape has been magically transformed by a blanket of white, unless a cocaine plane has crashed on our lawn."
Don't say the leaves changing are something beautiful. If I want red leaves I'll go to the hardware store and buy some spray paint. Yeah, the arrival of spring weather is something great to look forward to. Bring on the bright white legs!
Anyway, this week I thought we'd take some time to go over the goods and bads and such...
4Hoooooooray:"Teen Wolf" in Spanish on Telemundo
4Booooooo:A.C. Slater and his communist cohorts on their fascist show, The View.
4Yay: Coors Light Cooler Case.It's a normal-looking 12 pack of bottles. However, whatever the box part is made of, either specially made cardboard, some inner lining, or most likely some sort of incredible alien technology, this thing is supposed to be leak proof. That means you can buy a 12 pack and a bag of ice, sit down at the beach, pour ice in, and no problems. Acts just like a cooler. Supposedly the box won't get all nasty and soggy. We'll see, I may have to follow through on further tests. But this product benefits all mankind in ways we never dreamed possible.
4Nayyyy: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey giving public performances.We might as well talk about what I feel may be the most public yet of my many humiliations.Such a burden to bare, but yes, I have now seen not only Jessica Simpson but also Nick Lachey perform.Horrible horrible.I mean, it was unexpected and unavoidable, as they were the halftime show at the Orange Bowl, but still.Who's the brainchild executive who green lighted that performance?If anything, couldn't they have just given blondie a microphone and told her to talk about tuna fish or buffalo wings?
4Promote:Nuclear.
4Demote:Nucular.
4All about:Kate Beckinsale
4Not so much:Whoever she married.
4Wahoo:Jason Alexander, aka George Costanza
4Hokie:Jason Alexander, aka Britney's ex
4Good times:Red Bull.This creation, quite possibly a nectar of the gods, continues to, on a night-by-night basis, make the world (at least in bars) a better place.
4Opposite of good times: And so it has finally happened.During one of my finals last semester, not only did someone's cell phone go off, but they actually answered it.Unreal.
4Endorsement: Rock Paper Scissors
4Disendorsement:Paper Rock Scissors, Scissors Rock Paper, or any other incorrect variation.It's a simple three-word sequence people.
4Alrighty then:To Gabe, for his girlfriend actually not being imaginary.
4Ehhhhhh:To her not having a sister.
4I'm there: The Kramennium
4A year late:The Newmannium.
4Enjoyable:Capture the Flag, and P.E. in general in middle school
4Anti-enjoyable:Bike shorts.Being a professional biker/cyclist and/or in the Tour de France is still not an excuse to ever, ever, everrrr at any time wear bike shorts.
4Applaud:Restrooms which utilize a shoulder height wall separator between urinals, greatly decreasing awkwardness.
4Deplaud:Troughs, or trough-like systems
4The best of times:1985
4The worst of times:1955
4Hide the remote:ESPN's Pardon The Interruption
4Mute, change channel, find way to remove image from head:PTI's horrible horrible spin-off, Around the Horn.One day that Max will pay.
4Worst human ever:Joe Bastardi of AccuWeather, for his fearless prediction yesterday that, "In the next 15 to 20 days, everybody is extremely cold including freezes into Florida and Texas."
And this week's parting thought: "If Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell we should probably give him more cowbell."
(Smitty can be reached at smitty@cavalierdaily.com)
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