New Orleans. The Land of Love and Beer. Easily one of the best places in the world. A place where the beer flows like wine, where the women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. It's like the Mecca of the Southern hot girl universe, incredible food, Southern hospitality and plain-old awesomeness.
What are you gonna get arrested for? Being awesome? If we could combine Miami and New Orleans, we'd have like greatest place in the world ever.
So anyway, for those of you didn't make the trek to Mardi Gras this year, I'm offering the chance to at least enjoy it a little, in the fashion of the old school "Choose Your Own Adventure" books...
First choice: If you want to leave an hour earlier than the other two cars in the blue station wagon with 60 beers and two handles of liquor, go to #1. If you want to caravan, go to #6.
1. You've crossed the border into Georgia and you're already drunk. Keep up the good work! --Go to #19.
2. Mmmmmmmm Margaritaville. --To be JOHN, go to #21.--To watch JOHN, go to #32.
3. Consume. Repeat until no longer necessary.--Go to #26.
4. . . ., you get the idea.--To toss beads again, go to #4.--Or go to #2.
5. An hour later, wallet is finally regained. Possibly still under the influence of beer goggles, you note that the gas station attendant is really hot. She notes to you that the person she called to first report the missing phone was listed on the cell phone as "boobies".--Go to #12.
6. Congratulations, you've caught the blue station wagon which left an hour earlier than you in Alabama. You've also just received a phone call. --Go to #19.
7. Skip forward to 1 p.m. Sunday. Almost all is well in the world. Weather is beautiful, good times, good food, all that. And now you have a 14-hour drive.--If you want to ride in the blue station wagon, go to #31.--If you want to ride in the Acura, go to #10.
8. Are you joking me?!?!--Go back to #26.
9. More Tropical Isle.--To keep drinking there, go to #18.--To stumble in to the casino, go to #11.
10. 3 a.m. Your seventh hour as driver and you're starting to get delirious. You just named an undiscovered planet, and its inhabitants are the Smittyians. You realize you'd have a huge dilemma on your hands if Planet Earth and Planet Smitty went to war. Which side would you take?--Go to #34.
11. You just found the casino. There is no way this can turn out well.--To be JOHN, go to #13.--To play some Hold'em, go to #27.
12. Noon on Friday. You realize that you are now in central time, meaning you just gained an extra hour of Mardi Gras and boozing. Whoever invented time zone changes may be the greatest human being ever.--For Natty Lite, go to #3.--For Jim Beam, go to #14.
13. You've found what appears to be a soft poker table. To confirm its goodness and softness, you place your head on it just to make sure everything is Kosher.--Go to #20.
14. Consume. Repeat until no longer necessary.--Go to #26.
15. You want to inspect the back of your eyelids for dirt.--Go to #17.
16. You are surrounded by thousands of young people enjoying the evening, the parade and the revelry. You also realize that one wrong move could lead you in jail.--To talk to one of the cute girls, go to #23.--To search for a bathroom, go to #29.
17. Saturday morning, 9 a.m. Ah yes, nothing like sleeping on the floor. You may have used the dog's bed as a pillow. Jambalaya and beer time.--Head to #22 to watch some parades.
18. Many hours later, you've become blackout drunk and can barely move. You've just told everyone, "I can't move. Cut me loose guys. Man down. MAN DOWN!"--Go to #17.
19. Mile Marker 169, somewhere in Alabama. Apparently a rider in the blue station wagon, possibly under the influence of many ounces of alcohol is responsible for the following phone call:Caller: Do you know Pat?Caravan: Yeah, he's our friend in the other car.Caller: He left his phone on the pump at the gas station in Fort Payne, Alabama.Caravan: Okay, thanks, we'll let him know. Can we maybe pick it up on the way back Sunday?Caller: He left his wallet too.Caravan: Oh. Damn. What exit are you at?Caller: Exit 218. (That's 50 miles back).--Blue station wagon riders, go to #5.--Caravan, go to #30.
20. Taxicab on the way home.--To be JOHN, go to #15.--To ride home, go to #25.
21. You're feeling sleepy for some unknown reason. Finally, feeling the need for a little energy, you stand up in a patient manner, excuse yourself from the table, accidentally knock over a glass, and go for a walk to get some fresh air.--Go to #24.
22. Luckily you remembered your coolers of beer; 12 hours of drinking commences. And guess what... you just found a beer truck with three taps coming out the side of it. All is well and glorious in the world.--Go to #16 to watch the Endymion parade.
23. After a good little talk, she happens to ask how hold you are. You and your friend say 21. She says 17. You and your friend run. Fast. Very fast.--Go to #33.
24. A brisk two hour walk. "Why did all my friends leave me?" you think.--Go to #28.
25. JOHN is passed out in the taxi.--Go to #17.
26. 3 p.m. You can no longer see straight. You can see Tropical Isle on Bourbon Street though. Ah Tropical Isle, Land of the Grain Alcohol Filled Hand Grenades. There is no choice on step to take here. Consume. Many of them.--To throw some beads off the balcony, go to #4.--If not, go to #8.
27. Incredibly, in your intoxicated state, you not only still have money at the three-six Hold'em table, but you just took a 10-A straight to go up $10. Time to leave on a high note. Also, you notice that JOHN has passed out in the middle of a casino on a poker table.--Go to #20.
28. Everyone is reunited in an Irish pub. Irish car bombs all around!--Go to #9.
29. You realize one of the major huge flaws of Mardi Gras -- there are no public bathrooms. Anywhere. It's unreal. It's like some sort of horrible game, where if you're caught, you go to jail. Instinctively, you get your friends to form a semicircle around you and voila, you have a fortress of solitude.--Go to #33.
30. You just made the drive in 13 and a half hours. Realize the other car will do it in at least 16. Laugh uncontrollably. Take a nap.--Go to #12.
31. Ahhhh, poor choice. You just missed an exit and are now 30 miles or so behind the other cars.--Go to #34.
32. JOHN is passed out on the table. Now he's passed out leaning in his chair. All of a sudden, he stands up, cracks his knuckles, winds up and with a right hook clears a table of glasses, splashing water all over everyone. He then storms out and gets lost in the French Quarter / Bourbon Street for two hours.--Go to #28.
33. With the time in the weekend dwindling, and the impending doom of the return drive, you spend some more time enjoying the festivities in wonderful places like Fat Harry's.--Go to #7.
34. You have two final thoughts.The speed limit in Virginia: 65. The speed limit in all other states driven through: 70. Hey Virginia, how about joining the rest of Western civilization and increasing your speed limit. Or maybe you could even not be a follower, but a leader, and up the ante to 75 miles per hour.--You realize that you switched back to Eastern time and have just lost an hour and will now arrive an hour later. Whoever invented time zone changes may be the worst human ever.
With Spring Break starting a mere week and a half after Mardi Gras, all is well. I've got a wonderful (Miami) -> Key West -> Miami trip planned. And so I must leave everyone with two bits of advice.
--Girls, for the love of all things good, please don't get those cornrows.--Wise men say: Forgiveness is divine but never pay full price for late pizza. -Michelangelo, Ninja Turtles
(Smitty can be reached at smitty@cavalierdaily.com)
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