I love how Janet Jackson's right breast is suddenly public enemy number one. I thought I saw it yesterday in the mall and immediately dialed 911, fearful for my life. Boy did I feel stupid when I realized mid-emergency relay that the naked boob I spied didn't even belong to Janet.
See, it was sort of in the distance, and I didn't have my glasses on. So, when this blurry vision of a coffee-colored naked woman in the display case at Victoria's Secret came into focus, I just assumed Janet Jackson had gone crazy and taken a stand.
"You don't need shirts! You don't even need lacey undergarments! Burn your bras and let the secret out of the bag, ladies!"
However, when I got closer, I realized I was looking at a topless mannequin. The 911 operator told me not to worry about it -- that it happens -- and thanked me for being a vigilant citizen. He then warned me to also watch out for mistaking Janet's left breast for her right one.
"It's tricky," he said. "These breasts are identical and what that means is one looks a lot like the other. But what you have to remember is that the left one is still an American, concerned with American values. It never leaves the house without at least a tassel on there, or maybe an edible topping of some sort. Therefore, Janet Jackson's left boob is still okay in the NFL's book, which means that it's still okay in mine too."
I agreed, hung up the phone and whipped out my wallet-sized picture of George Bush Jr. to caress. I mean, we've got our priorities straight if you think about it. We're afraid of Janet Jackson's right boob, gay marriage and terrorism. In that order. The most horrible thing I can think of is Janet Jackson hijacking an airplane and then throwing an impromptu wedding ceremony in the aisle in which she marries Ellen Degeneres. What a nightmare.
I mean, yes, AIDS is bad, and we need to get on that -- after excommunicating Janet Jackson. By the way, I think it's official. She is now, and forever, Ms. Jackson. At least, that's what nasty Justin Timberlake calls her.
First of all, let's set the record straight. Justin is not responsible for the unfurling of the boob. I only called him nasty because I was referencing an early 90s pop hit. The incident was a wardrobe malfunction and has no direct affect on Mr. Timberlake's sterling character. The press release clearly states that Justin is "both shocked and appalled."
I agree.
When one is shocked, he must always be appalled. The two go together like peas and carrots. I don't think I've ever heard a press release where the subject says that he is solely shocked, or only appalled. Maybe it's been tried.
Like I could see Paris Hilton standing in front of a podium, cameras flashing, saying, "I am shocked." But then I think everyone in the room would just stop and sort of look at her like, is that it, Paris? Anything else you want to add there, sweetie? I've seen you horizontally tango and vertically cucaracha, and you're just shocked? To which Paris would quickly add, "and appalled. I am both shocked and appalled."
Then the cameras would start flashing again, and her publicist would give her a big thumbs up.
So yes, Justin is both shocked and appalled. Good for him. Breasts are indeed shocking, and we've always known that they are appalling. Keep them covered. Always.
Now, let's investigate MTV because I'm not sure they understand this. I'm not sure they understand American values. They seem to support breasts.
MTV produced the Super Bowl halftime show. One might then logically suppose that the network was responsible for the wardrobe malfunction. Indeed, the NFL has said that it won't be asking MTV to produce any halftime shows in the future. I think this is a bit hasty.
It's safe to say that before the nipple that rocked the nation, the halftime show was a class act. If anyone represents our country, it's Kid Rock. His patriotism can't be denied. Did you see how he incorporated the American Flag into his halftime ensemble? Bawitdaba. Furthermore, his backup dancers were all courageous young women who chose to perform despite budget cuts that left them a single outfit to split amongst themselves.
If anything can be gleaned from Kid Rock's set it's that MTV was trying. Isn't that what America is all about? Trying? Unless of course you're trying to hijack a plane and get married. Well, I guess that's okay. But only if you're heterosexual. Oh, wait. Let me amend that -- only if you're a heterosexual with A.) no breasts or B.) concealed breasts. Plunging necklines with bountiful cleavage is okay -- I think.
Cite NFL cheerleader aesthetics if you have further questions. Sorry, Ms. Jackson. I am for real. (Had to do it. Had to.)
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