My week began with an e-mail from Cole Spencer, director of Student Housing, telling me that next year I will be living on Mars.
That is, Copeley.
At first I was really excited because of Copeley's proximity to the Law School, the North Grounds Recreation Center and other places that have nothing at all to do with undergraduate life at the University of Virginia. I could send postcards to my friends at Lambeth that say "Greetings from Fabulous West Virginia" and take Amtrak to class every day. Not to mention the wall to wall vomit colored carpeting and forward-thinking 1960s architecture.
Yeah. Life out there would be pretty sweet.
Dear God.
I can't even pretend. It's so horrible. I cried. I tore at my hair. I gnashed my teeth and asked Yahweh what sin I had committed to deserve such a fate.
How do they even come up with assignments? There's talk of lotteries and preferences and waiting lists. But who are they kidding, really?
Behind a door marked "No Admittance" in the housing office there is a room full of trained chimpanzees that pick names out of several Chicago Cubs baseball caps and place them in one of two wicker baskets across the room. If your name goes into the left basket, you get your first choice. If your name goes into the right basket, you get a cardboard box and a chair. Sometimes the chimps accidentally eat the pieces of paper.
Those students get Copeley.
My future roommates and I thus began the maddening search for off-Grounds housing. In the meantime we had no choice but to put down the nonrefundable 100 dollar deposit and place ourselves on the waiting list for better housing. In return, the secretary handed the four of us sheets of paper with the heading "Lead Warning Statement."
Realistically, I have no intention of eating paint chips or licking walls, no matter how delicious they may look. Signing this paper just adds insult to injury. I can accept that the University is offering me what is arguably the worst undergraduate housing on Grounds. But reading through the cheerily-titled pamphlet Protect Your Family from Lead in Your Home (required reading for all Copeley residents) I couldn't help but laugh out loud at the sheer awfulness of this dorm. Next to pictures of men wearing gas masks and frowning teddy bears are warnings written in bold type that, "Exposure to lead can cause high blood pressure, digestive problems, nerve disorders, memory and concentration problems [and] muscle and joint pain."
Living in Copeley might actually kill me.
I can only shake my fist at friends who signed leases for apartments back in October.
"Yeah, we have hardwood floors and a balcony and a full kitchen!"
"Really? Well I have windows with shades or blinds that must be left in place!"
Our search for off-Grounds housing enters its second week today. It began with the discovery of an eight bedroom house next to University Heights. At first glance, this seemed like a dream come true. Live with a bunch of good friends at a house in college that we would fix ourselves and paint and make into a palace!
And be MEN! Building things! Painting things! Mowing the lawn and drinking beer and throwing big parties and making loud grunting noises! Working for our living, solving all disputes with fist fights and eating steak every night. Oh, it would be a good life.
Then I saw the house.
"So. These flimsy looking metal poles. What do they do again?"
"Oh those silly things? Well the living room was beginning to cave in. They hold it up."
"Ah."
We looked at apartments that were way out of our price range. My new least favorite words include, "price excludes utilities; tenant to provide Internet access" and "recently renovated in 1981." Suddenly Copeley doesn't sound like such a bad idea.
You can't beat the price.
And they'll be other people out there too. It's not like we'd be all by ourselves.
But then I break out in a cold sweat and I crawl into bed and hide from the darkness of the lonely world.
Maybe I've just been reading too much Dostoevsky lately.
The funny thing is that eventually I will have to start worrying about other things. Schoolwork, for example, is a concern that has somehow been pushed to the backburner in recent days. Obsessing over housing is killing my creative drive and ruining my appetite. I guess eventually I'll either find a place off-Grounds or live in Copeley. I really don't have any other choice, but I sure can complain about it.
In sum, if I end up failing out of school and continue to write really terrible columns that sound like the rants of angry old men please feel free write to The Cavalier Daily and ask that I be removed from staff.
I'll just argue that the chimps led me to it.
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