Tap Leaks, Jaberwoke's Bouncers Covert Identity is Blown.The University wasn't kidding when they sent out those safety alert e-mails. Yes, security has really been stepped up on the Corner as the Jaberwoke bouncers moonlight as CIA agents.
Outfitted with headsets, these valiant gentlemen are alerted about possible plots regarding 1) rounds of shots to be taken, and 2) the top-ten girls most likely targeted for the most male bombardment.
Though lacking central intelligence, the bouncers are a discerning group of gentlemen, and they furtively study the September 1981 birthday on my license until they can fully decipher its encrypted meaning. It's been rumored that they were involved in the recent capture of fugitive Mohammed Ziman Abdul Razaq -- otherwise known as the four of spades.
Yes, the Jaberwoke bouncer is a harsh mistress. Not only does their reluctance to let more than .5 people in at a time create a façade that the bar is much cooler than it really is, but they are also Manfred Mann groupies.
Who is Manfred Mann you ask? In 1976, Manfred Mann (what cruel parents) took the song "Blinded by the Light" -- originally written by Bruce Springsteen -- and turned it into a successful cultural lyric enigma. "Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night."
The word is "deuce" people. "Deuce."
Anyway, recently in honor of their man, Manfred, the Jaberwoke bouncers prematurely have been flipping on the lights around 1:30. Blinded is an understatement. If one can't recognize half these people in the light of day, envision the repercussions of fluorescent lights.
Always bear in mind, it's best to take home a (circle one: hot / somewhat hot / bad face, good body / lush / loose / fairly loose / at least it's a warm body/ I don't want to die alone) person before the switch is hit.
Political Cliff Notes
"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences." -- George W. Bush, Meet the Press, Feb. 8, 2004
Money and business
On Feb. 16, Beantown truly had a case of the Mondays when Texas Ranger's shortstop Alex Rodriguez was traded to the Yankees. Rodriguez, the highest paid player in history, will receive $16 million annually from the Yankees.
How much is $16 million worth?
-1,298 Hummer H1's
-20,125,786 Asian Express Beef and Broccolis
-one night with Jason Lewis (the guy that plays Samantha Jones's boy toy, "Smith Jarrod")
-two nights with Mischa Barton (the OC girl)
-an all-expense paid trip to Fiji with Oprah and Dr. Phil
Stylin' & profiling
Don't deny it. You're working the corner -- excuse me, I mean out at the bar. You swizzle the straw in your Jack and Coke, pondering how you're going to feign your cool persona next year with that new smoking ban in many cities.
Kicking yourself for breaking the seal earlier that night, you venture to the bathroom for the fifth time. You dodge the elbows of the melodramatic girls, slide past a tight ring of second years that must be kum-bay-yaing over a campfire and disregard the guys who think they are smooth. It is a perilous trek for the old and weary.
There appears to be some sort of riot outside the ladies' room door. Someone's taking too long, punches are thrown, cat scratches, hair pulling, mild blood. No worries. Fifteen minutes later, alas, you are alone. Very alone.
There is no toilet paper. Yet a worse fate has arisen at the sound of the last-call bell. The bathroom mirror causes a case of the Bud Light Blues.
No worries. Follow these trendsetters and you'll be back on your high horse in no time.
In: Alderman. Out: Clemons.
In: Victoria's Out: her Secret
In: Mem Gym & Slaughter Out: AFC & KFC
In: Ugg boots. Out: Ugg boots.
In: Parking Lot on Elliewood. Out: the other one.
In: Big Dipper Out: Little Dipper
In: Lemon Yellow Out: Mellow Yellow
In: Mary Kate Out: Ashley
In: Hungry Hungry Hippo Out: Hunger
Trends to look out for in Spring 2004:
Less coverage
Back on the market
Unless you've been hiding under a rock for the past week, you've heard that after decades of going steady, Barbie has finally dumped Ken.
According to The Seattle Times report, "'After 43 years of dating, Barbie and Ken have drifted apart,' said Russell Aarons, vice president of marketing at Barbie and Ken's parent company, Mattel."
Great PR cover-up. So where do all plastic princesses with a figure you'd literally die for, go? To The Land of Milk and Honey, The El Dorado State, The Golden State and Fresno (the raisin capital of the world). That's where California Barbie will go with Blaine, this Australian beach boy.
Yet the whole affair is really headed down a road of disaster when Barbie hears Blaine suggest to his Aussie buds things like, "Come on over, and we'll put a few snags on the Barbie." Explaining to Barbie that in Aussie talk, a "snag" is a "sausage" only heightens her hysteria.
Question of the week: Why did Barbie ditch Ken?
a) Found Ken and G.I. Joe together in her walk-in closet.
b) He supported Howard Dean.
c) Barbie's planning to run off to the "Bunny Ranch" in Utah.
d) Walked in on Ken and G.I. Joe trying on her high heels and Carnival Cruise director outfit.
e) Knocked on his head and realized it was hollow.
f) Wanted to focus on her 90 plus careers.
g) Hated how he cut his food.
h) Ken lacked of a certain... appendage.
g) Drugs.
Fourth-year reflections
Now, just as every Thursday, it's time to pay homage to our soon-to-be-graduating fourth years. That's right, first years, back of the bar line for you. All that stuff you've heard about how Charlottesville police are just Rent-a-Cops is pure hearsay, and I hear jail cells are a little nippy this time of year.
Today, fourth-year Wade Morris reflects on his favorite Girl Scout cookie.
"Here is my sincere take on Girl Scout cookies. It is a topic I actually feel very passionate about. I don't trust Thin Mints. I mean what is this cookie telling the young, impressionable girls of our country? By far the most popular cookie, and also the 'thinnest' and 'mintiest!' Thin Mints fit into the same pattern -- from Barbie to Janet Jackson's boob -- of corporate America conspiring to exploit the insecurities of young women for economic gain. Ever since some fraternity brothers and I went to Samoa for Spring Break last year, I've been addicted to Samoans. But the Girl Scout's version just isn't as good... It just doesn't give you that same burst of energy and artificial self-confidence. Maybe it's the different type of cocoa that they use for the coconut."
Wade, thank you for sharing your heartfelt memories with our readers. You will be deeply missed by the University.
Ambiguous Overheards at Clemons
"Hey, ummm, can you format my disk?" (So that's what kids are calling it these days)
Word Jumbles! Oh boy! What if they're dirty!
-RLAHECS NI EAHGRC
-CTSTO IBOA AKSRLET
-MUNRNBCIAGLS SPAEHRS SI A NIGURDTISB SIMTPEA
Inspirational thoughts of the day
Red Team: "Dare."
Blue Team: "Double Dare."
Red Team: "Physical Challenge"
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