I have reason to believe that rodents are copulating in my oven. In all honesty, I've actually never opened the oven during the five month period that I've lived in my apartment, but that only serves to strengthen my notion. By now I'm sure they've built condos, and mini malls -- mini malls with GAPs. The male mice are getting chastised for shopping at Banana Republic.
It's quite a conundrum why I've chosen to speak candidly about my rodent troubles -- it being such a delicate subject and all. There are so many other topics to pontificate. Super Bowl XXXVIII perhaps.
Super Bowl matters that must be pontificated:
1. Janet Jackson's breast is reportedly the most searched image in Internet history.
Sorry Janet, "That's the way love goes." ("Now class, what year did that song rock the charts, remaining at number one for eight weeks? And Google, please let the introverted children have a chance.") Reverse the following numbers, to reveal the answer. Don't hold paper up to mirror or have Ovaltine binges and send away proof of purchases to receive a Little Orphan Annie decoder ring. 3991.
2. New England is a Glorious place
I just know that Tom Brady and I would get along famously. We have so much in common, living in New England and all. Furthermore, his stats pass the checklist.
Tall: 6'4".
Rugged: 225 lbs of beefcake (yum).
Intelligent: Assumed. (Quarterbacks receive fewer blows to the head. Also, he knows that Sam Adams is more than a beer.)
Witty: Assumed. (The vibes of his humorous aura reached me via satellite.)
Kind: (He Only uses the word "Yankee" when he says "The Red Sox are far superior to the "Yankees." I imagine he says this often -- no, he whispers it into my ear.)
Here are some other fun facts I made up:
Favorite Food: New England clam chowder.
Favorite place to kick back and relax: Plymouth Rock.
Hobbies: Touring colonial homes, weaving wool sweaters on his antique loom so that he can wear them on Cape Cod beach in August.
What he fantasizes most about: Jeep Wagoneers, old Volvos, oyster crackers.
His idols: Anyone who has a sweater tied around his neck and is carrying a tennis racquet.
3. Osama-Been-Forgotten
After Super Bowl Sunday, makers of the "Iraqi's Most Wanted" playing cards have taken their corporation to new heights in the creation of "Carbohydrates Most Wanted" playing cards. According to sources, America experienced yet another setback in the War on Carbs, when 14,500 tons of potato, tortilla and corn chips crossed over enemy lines and invaded U.S. homes and then the abdominal regions. In defensive response, the California Avocado Commission sent eight million pounds of guacamole into battle and reported border skirmishes with 4,000 tons of popcorn. And worse yet -- the fat was defeated when Dr Pepper was launched into America's specified strike zone -- the esophagus.
"We were blinded sided," said the California Avocado Commission.
President Bush reassured the people saying, "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." (Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000)
"I think we agree," he added, "the past is over." (On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000)
4. The Magic Kingdom
Of course Tom Brady, the Super Bowl MVP is headed to Disney World. Now, many have already questioned why Donald Duck does not wear pants and the phallic symbols in the clouds of the cartoon movies, but I am currently plagued by the true enigma. Why did old Walt make Mickey -- the star of the show, the leader of the pack -- a rodent? I mean honestly, rodents are just a notch above lousy panthers. Please don't throw stones at me.
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