I fear that if I'm not honest and don't honor my last name (which is pronounced blunt, for those of you who have yet to get the pun), I'll be ambiguous, and then nothing will be achieved in the next 10 minutes. So, here I go.
Recently I've been a little bummed about the dating situation at U.Va. Not bitter, not angry, not hurt or anything like that, just a little let down -- that is, of course, when I have time to think about it.
Some people do date, but the majority of us find ourselves hanging out and hooking up. This used to bother me, but despite my attempts to hold on to the ideals I once had of the dating world, I have become callous to it. So, here I am: a girl at a school in a culture where most people don't couple off.
And as much as I have enjoyed dating people in the past, I wouldn't say I am -- nor are most people I know -- necessarily looking to date anyone now.
I don't think we're opposed to it at all, it's just not something on our "to do" lists. But then the weirdest thing happened: After about a year or so of romantic ambivalence, I started to legitimately like a guy.
Now I'm bummed. Why, you might ask?
Well, as we all know, guy or gal, oftentimes when you like someone enough to want to really hang out with them and get to know more about them than their Greek letters and favorite drink, it doesn't happen.
We have used the culture, our business, our lack of interest in becoming committed and pretty much anything we can think of to explain the fact that we don't "want" to date exclusively.
But, for the sake of playing devil's advocate, making everyone uncomfortable and providing myself with even more challenging commentaries tonight at the Virginian, may I propose that it's not that we don't want to date. We don't think we can date, or at least succeed at dating. And if we, our perfectionist type-A selves, can't succeed, why would we ever try?
So instead we go out in groups of friends and if the need for some sexual healing arises, we hook it up. We have gotten used to the routine, the mentality, the perfect way to get what we want without putting much of ourselves on the line. By the way, I am not attacking the guys alone -- we girls have made a sport of this too.
And I guess all I am thinking is that maybe we do it because no one has to really know you before this exchange. You don't have to put your real self on the line and feel the kind of rejection that really hurts -- not the shut down that happened when you hit on a guy at the Woke and go home alone to Pokey Sticks and MTV (okay, it's probably not that extreme), but the heartbreak of someone who knew you well and still didn't want to stick around.
But what do you do when you like the person with whom you are about to or are hooking up? The experience of going home with someone and realizing it really doesn't mean anything anymore has made us even more insecure, so most of us take what we can get from the situation, which is typically just the hook up. Then we feel strange and maybe even uncomfortable when we become interested in more than this person's person and this attempt at affection, or lack thereof, doesn't do the trick.
We settle for what we can get without being too open, and more often than not, don't act on the desire, if it ever arises, to have more from the relationship. And since I've started to think about it, maybe it's our lack of faith in ourselves, not relationships, that has made us accustomed to hooking up or at least to not dating.
We as a people are pretty good liars. Not maliciously of course, but for the sake of self-preservation. We lie about how we really feel in a situation, our true opinions, our fears, anything that compromises the idea that we are "put together." And we do it because at heart, and I hope I don't offend those of you are who are truly mature and enlightened, most of us are scared and insecure.
But you have to admit it's an interesting thing how good we are at B.S. As much as we value honesty and honor, for this is the University of the Honor Code, I have never felt so surrounded by amateur actors than I have in the past two years. And it's not just here, but everywhere, at every age, in almost every situation.
Scientific types and our experience have proved that those of us who seem the most put together are actually the most insecure. Let's take the quintessential "popular girl" in the movies. Though she seems to have it all together with her Bonnie Bell lip balm and cool Corvette, at heart the poor thing has totally lost it, or never had it to begin with. Then the nerdy, fashionably challenged girl always gets the guy because her social leprosy caused her to develop a strong sense of self. Remember this after school special? See where I'm going here?
It makes sense, too, that people who feel weak will protect themselves. If that means putting on a show, add most of us to the choir.
Those of us who have the hardest time being or even liking who we are frequently fake being the happiest with it. It also shouldn't surprise any of us that it affects the way we love and receive love, or don't at all in some cases.
Then, if you think about this long enough, which I obviously have because, well, I have to, it makes absolutely no logical sense for us to be insecure. We go to the best public school in the nation, so we have to be smart or at least good at convincing someone we are. We all lead, participate in and create eight million clubs and philanthropies a year that either enrich our own lives or the lives of others around us. We excel in sports, drama and just being interesting -- intelligence, humor, ability, privilege and apparently some distortions as to how great we really are abound.
Hum. I can feel how much crap I am going to get tonight for this saccharin sweet seriousness.
In all honesty, though, I don't think we are looking for a revolution of how we handle relationships and hooking up. I, along with others, really aren't even that concerned with it because, like I said, true interest in someone only seems to affect me once a year ... on average ... per city.
I guess what gets to me is the idea that we might be happier if we could suck up all our pride and lay ourselves out on the line for something we really wanted, even at the risk of looking like total idiots. I look at my friends who embraced the possibility, aimed high -- or just aimed for that guy or girl they liked -- and not only am I thrilled for their happiness together but I envy their courage.
I wonder if I had that courage whether or not I would be tempted to withdraw from an interesting but ball-busting class that scares me to death, not necessarily because it may lower my GPA, but because it might challenge how smart I think I am.
I might even find the guy I want to hang out with again feels the same way.
But who knows, I could be totally wrong. I'm no "Dear Abby", I just put it bluntly.
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