Classes seem to be dwindling down. Tis an odd feeling indeed, considering it's mid April and still -30 degrees outside. Two weeks of learning left in my undergraduate career. Before we start, we have a last minute addition to this week's column....Bush, if you ever preempt an episode of 24 again I swear I will (EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to various federal laws, we are not allowed to print this part). My whole Tuesday evening revolves around 24. 24's like a rug that brings the whole room together. So not cool. Unfrickingreal. Anywayyssssss...
4The plight of the end pieces of loaves of bread is very disturbing to me. I mean here we are, we've got two pieces of bread that happen to have more crust than any of the middle pieces in the loaf and they've got this bum rap about not being edible. Who would start such a rumor in the first place? Maybe it was the bread companies in an effort to sell more bread. This is very un-Dudelike.
4Many of you have heard about this, but for those who didn't, a British guy recently liquidated all his assets, including clothes et al, and decided to go to a casino and put everything he had on a color at the roulette table. Anyway, he put over $100,000 on red and won. Fairly incredible. The problem lies in the fact that I have based much of my life's beliefs on Wesley Snipes's famous "Passenger 57" quote, "Always bet on black." When I can no longer look to Wesley Snipes for life's wisdom, well, I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know how Wesley Snipes can go on anymore. His entire world must be topsy turvy this week.
4Circa 3:30 a.m., bars, Winter Break: Smitty: Hello?Person I called: Yes, this is U.Va. Safe Ride.Smitty: Hi, can I get a ride home?Safe Ride: Where do you live?Smitty: Miami.{click}
4I was flipping through the channels on my T.V. the other day when something distracted me, maybe a phone call or something. Anyway, I stopped flipping, and had the T.V. on low volume, and was engrossed in other activities. Meanwhile, I started feeling my life force being slowly drained from my body. It was like someone, or something, was weighing me down. It was horrible, and not knowing what was causing this excruciating pain was even worse. And then I realized. I had stopped changing channels on the Lifetime network.
4Speaking of such things as the Lifetime network, I came to the realization the other night that it is never ever ever acceptable to watch a movie on Oxygen, Lifetime or any of those other communist regimes. I don't care if Die Hard or Rocky is on, it cannot be allowed. And just remember, the next time you think it's okay to watch a movie on these channels, somewhere in the world, a guy loses his beer gut every time another guy watches one of these networks.
4I cannot fathom how I have not been asked to be on "The Bachelor" yet. I'm pretty sure I meet the main requirement, being a bachelor. What else could they want from me?
4With Sunday's announcement that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Uncle Jesse had broken up, the pieces are finally falling into place. That makes Rebecca Romijn, Jennifer Garner and Penelope Cruz all single. Everything's coming up Smitty.
4So one time I shot a nail straight through my foot and it stuck my shoe to the ground.
4That was a lie.
4One of the most enjoyable things about the haircut is the free shampoo. Here I am, getting a haircut, and I'm offered a shampoo at no extra charge. I get to sit there while this lady who I don't know washes my hair. And don't get me started on the pure ecstasy which is the sharp fingernails massaging my head. Wow.
4Forgot about one thing, though. I have no need for a hair stylist cutter lady that wants to chat with me. It's nice and all, but if there's someone holding sharp scissors near my head and my eyes, she needs to have one priority, and that's keeping Smitty beautiful.
4Really starting to get annoyed with cell phone automated voice mail systems. Not the ones we put as the outgoing message, but the idiotic computerized automated one that kicks in after your message. I love waiting for the message, and then hearing, "Hello, if you would like to leave a message, just stay on the line. If you would like to leave a numeric page, press two. If you would like to leave your soul for the devil, press 666. If you want to know the weather, go on the Internet. If you were waiting to leave a voice message, press one now. Did you know you could have just pressed one at the beginning of the message to leave a voice message?"
4When I watch Baywatch, and there's a scene with some people playing out on the rocks, all I can think to myself is, "Don't they ever watch Baywatch? What are they thinking? If you play on rocks, you're gonna get into trouble. Who does that?"
4www.subservientchicken.com. Just go there. Words cannot explain.
(Smitty can be reached at smitty@cavalierdaily.com)
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