For one time only, I'm opening the vault. The vault of rejected/dreadful/prosaic/abandoned column ideas. I'll heartily admit, I'm embarrassed by most of them, but alas, they are pleading for one short gleaming moment in the limelight, and I have a compassionate soul. Readers, here they are (drum roll!) -- columns you have not been looking forward to, which are sure to be disappointing (they were rejected for a reason). I am not pleased to present my last column, "Excerpts from the Top 10 Rejected Columns" (golf claps).
10. "Can I just vent here? I am so sick and tired of these low carb diets, and I just wanted everyone to know that. To my friends who are on some variation of this abhorred eating plan, I have a dream. I have a dream that all you mavericks will come back to the carbohydrate kingdom, and subsequently fall on your knees in supplication for biscuits and hot dog buns. In penance I will make you quack and waddle like ducks around my throne while I throw you old pieces of bread and say, "Here, ducky ducky, hereeee duckies."
Then I realized this dream was nothing but repressed anger toward all those no-carb eating people who, in fact, do look pretty skinny. Damn.
9. "And then Ryan passed out. But somehow, it was fun, and not scary. Then, Alicia made some scornful comment about the birds and the buffoons, and I couldn't help but reply, 'Truly, if it weren't for feet, I wouldn't be able to wear my hot pink heels.'"
This was the attempted metaphysical, allegorical treatise on Hamlet's age-old query, 'To be or not to be.' I was going to get across my point through the narration of a semi-autobiographical night in the lives of University students. Unfortunately, I couldn't figure out what the point was, but it was something very dark, very scathingly bittersweet and very, very meaningful.
8. "Are you bored of Charlottesville? Don't fret! If you know where to look, Charlottesville is brimming with interesting things to do. Don't let the quiet farmland veneer fool you. Charlottesville is as happening as a really fun happening city. Here are the top 10 things to do in C-ville on the weekend ..."
Enough said.
7. "In my first of a series of 'How-to' columns, this column will dictate with easy-to-follow instructions how to transform any common board game into a drinking game. Let's say it's a rainy Saturday night and you and the posse would rather stay in. Alas, you only have a decaying 'Chutes and Ladders,' with which to entertain your guests. Well, never fear ..."
Actually, that idea was pretty good.
6. "STOP! Before you cross the threshold of your door, stumbling bewildered first year you, take a moment to look yourself over in the mirror and check the library dress-code chart. According to the library of your choice, duration of stay and your main motive for going (choices: 1. to see cute boy/girl who works at the desk/Greenberry's, 2. to pretend to study to impress cute boy/girl who alas, likes to study, 3. to meet responsible boy/girl to replace/make jealous failing boyfriend/girlfriend, 4. to streak, 5. to study), my informative chart will tell you if you are adequately dressed for the occasion. Don't you dare think you can go to the fourth floor of Alderman for 30 minutes in a T-shirt and sandals! Standards! Have some standards!"
Ha, oh that was funny. Um, I mean, it was rejected because it exploits unfounded stereotypes and reaches the scathing exaggerated, overblown, completely unfounded conclusion that people don't go to the library to study. And maybe not all that many people dress up to go to the library.
5. "For one time only, I'm opening the vault. The vault of rejected/dreadful/prosaic/abandoned column ideas. I'll heartily admit, I'm embarrassed by most of them ..."
Oh damn. There was a reason this column was in the reject pile.
4. "... and then I came to the blissful conclusion that all I need to know I learned at the University of Virginia."
Take it as you will, but I didn't quite know where to start with that one.
3. "And there I was, bleary-eyed, un-showered and becoming paranoid from lack of sleep. I was only armed with caffeinated tea and those Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs. And it was from there that I descended into Dante's hell of last-minute thesis composition."
And then I realized two things: this was eerily echoing "my hell of paper writing" column, and that for not having read all of "Dante's Inferno," I sure like to make a lot of references to it. Oh, and never, EVER, engage in last-minute thesis anything.
2. "And the realization probably came to me when I visited the University of Chicago earlier this month. That, despite its provincial location, its conceited idiosyncrasies and the unsettling fact that its emotional center tends to be Scott Stadium, I might actually like/love the University of Virginia. That despite my sarcastic columns that are nearly always driven by ridiculing college life, I would be lying if I said I wasn't already getting incredibly nostalgic and all sentimental about the indescribably amazing years I have had here, and (can I get more mushy? Yes!) more importantly, the indescribably amazing 'kindred spirits' I have found here."
But who wants to read about that? Who wants to read about four years of memories and the people I have to thank (my roommates above all)? And who wants to see me with my sarcastic facade brushed aside? Trust me, it isn't that entertaining.
1. "The Art of Lap Dancing." This definitely has potential.
Alexandra Valint can be reached at valint@cavalierdaily.com
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